Thursday, November 30

7 weeks, and counting.

For the last four years, I've been living in the past. Today I took the first step towards my future, and I have never been more sure about anything else in my life....nor as scared to death about what I am about to do. 5 hours ago I sat in my boss' office, explaining the last few months, with tears on the brink of falling, and she responded with nothing more than happiness for the steps I've chosen to take (even though they were laced with a little disappointment). 5 hours ago, I gave my notice. 5 hours ago, I took my first step towards a path that I've chosen for myself. 5 hours ago, I chose to leave the only life I've known since college. This life has been safe. This life has been mostly unhappy. This life, is finally ready for a new setting. A new setting with lots and lots of wine...

That's all I have for now....mainly because I'm freaking the fuck out, and I need to make myself a martini. But once I get done freaking the fuck out and finish the many lists of To-Do, I'll delve further...because there is some delving to do. Four years is suddenly swirling around uncontrollably in my head, and it needs to be delved into.

But for now: A martini. And maybe some whiskey.

(No, not together. That would just be nasty. I'm not freaking out that much.)

(I don't think.)

Sunday, November 19

Happy 2nd Birthday, Undecidedlyso!

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You've come a long way, Undecided! You've even begun making decisions, and more importantly, sticking to them! As this new change approaches, let's take a look back at some of my favorite posts of the last two years, shall we?

There are times that I pretty much think I'm the funniest person alive. Really, I'm probably the only one that laughs. But hey, that's good enough for me:
Civil War
I may be losing it.
And a story I still tell to this day:
Sunday, a day...

Acceptance This is still something I'm figuring out today, and most likely will be figuring out the rest of my life. Just this weekend, S and I were discussing this very thing. Here's proof when I started to realize it.

The past four years have been the most difficult of my life. I am grateful for the lessons I've taken from it all...but I still struggle to this day. I'm working on making the happiness far outweigh the sadness and frustration...and I'll keep working on it until I get there.
Out with the 25...
The not-so-happy post.
I'm sometimes a fake.
In need of repair.
A bit foggy.
And something I'm still feeling: Matter

The one underlying topic that has remained throughout these two years that I can't seem to escape, has been the Ghost. And, of course, those end up being my favorites. This one, being the favorite of the favorites. It was relieving to write. Although never shared directly with him, it helps me to re-read it at times that I'm feeling most vulnerable, times when I'm only thinking about this. He's still in my life. And I still can't figure out how that needs to change. But I know it does. Ever since this moment my life hasn't been the same.

I think the best thing about having a blog is seeing the progression you've made, or haven't made, in the way that you view the world or how you choose to look at things in your life. In the past four years, since I've been in Rhode Island, I've become a totally different person. Despite my negativity at times, and my uncertainty in my future, I'm so happy with the person I've become. I'm proud of the person I've become. And really, I can't ask for much more than that.

Out of the last two years, this post is by-far my favorite because it describes the turning point that I had been hoping for, the reason I still feel driven, and the reason I went from this to this.:


Thanks for reading, guys. I don't necessarily know if anyone reads it besides the three that I DO know...but thank you.

Wednesday, November 8

We've gone blue.

I have to say, I'm not getting much work done today. I know, that's not really much of a surprise to those who know me well, but I feel like today, it's a bit more justified. On my way to work, I had goosebumps listening to the results of the election on NPR. This cannot mean anything but positive changes to come, and, dare I say, a restored faith in our country? That may be jumping to conclusions, but just the fact that maybe it's a sign most of us really don't believe in Bush, as much as we were convinced of after the 2004 election (ahem...NON-election). I don't know. It just actually made me happy to hear that we elected the first African-American governer in Massachusetts, and that we may just very well have the first woman speaker of the house. I've dabbled with being pro-active in politics, so as much as I'm disappointed and jaded by them, there's a part of me that just gets excited in the midst of elections. And when maybe there's just glimmer of hope that we actually might, just maybe, have even an ounce of power in this country. Okay, I'm not going to get ahead of myself....because then I'm reminded of the idiot in charge when I read things like this:

"Recently, Bush dismissed the possibility that Pelosi [Nancy Pelosi, California] could become speaker of the House, saying in an interview 'That’s not going to happen.'" What a jackass. I can't wait to see what happens.

Tuesday, November 7

Small snippet.

The unhappiness keeps coming in waves. It hits me in the most random of times, like when I'm in the shower before work, where the tears can hide in the water from the shower head...maybe it won't count if I can't feel them falling down my cheeks. I'll have a perfectly great week, then the very next day following energetic and unforced smiles, it's as if I've been hit by a tidal wave. The loneliness that seemed to whisk itself away only hours before, returns as if it just got lost for a little while on the way to this moment, then, oh thank god! it found me! whew! it really thought it was never going to find me again! Then I just want to hide from the world. But for 5 months now, I've been unable to hide. I don't even have a door on my bedroom, the only place I'm alone is in my car, or in the shower. Which, coincidently, is where the tears usually come. I even go out to bars by myself, and instead of wanting to meet people, I go out and am annoyed when people talk to me. This isn't me. I don't know who this person is.

Okay, in a random change of topic as, even though it may seem so, I'm not comfortable wallowing in my woes...I went with a friend to Newport on Sunday to pick up a Violin that will be on a somewhat permanent loan. Yep, I'm going to learn how to play the fiddle. I can't wait. This has been something I've been wanting to do for a few years now, and it wasn't until recently that I actually made it happen. I mentally placed it on the top of my "Must Do in My Life" list...and then created it. I figure I'm withdrawing myself from society, I might as well do something productive while I'm in hiding.

So stay tuned for the Undecidelyso US Tour. You may want to bring earplugs.