In the last few weeks, I have been witness to horrible maliciousness by girls that are numerically adults. I have been forced to be reminded of my adolescence, of being treated like I was no one by people who claimed they were my friend. I was actually physically sick at one point when discovering what they had done and how they had used me in their plot of revenge. But I believe that finally, I am rid of them. It turns out I won't have to choose between financial stability and comfort...they are now conveniently wrapped into many late-night packages.
In the midst of all this, during the middle of an amazing set put on by Wilco, I realized I had no idea who I was anymore. Just like that, breaking through lyrics sung by Jeff Tweedy, I was looking in on myself and didn't recognize the person staring back. During the last 7 months in more than one area of my life, I haven't been myself. I've been acting a certain way in order to make my life tolerable and not once did I realize that people should never have this power over you. Although it hasn't just been work, it's been evident in other areas of my life. Ever since I've been in Rhode Island, really, I've never been able to find that niche. I've spoken of this on numerous occasions: in the presence of the majority of people I've met -- although mostly all incredible and amazing -- i just haven't felt completely myself. There have been exceptions, of course, and you (I hope) know who you are. After going to California, and spending time with Liz before that, I was reminded, again, of who I really am when I'm around people I'm comfortable with. The last few months I've either been at work, or at home alone with Took. I'm myself at home, of course, but how can you be aware of who that person is when it's just your dog that witnesses it, and your unspoken thoughts? Do people that spend their lives in solitude have a complete grasp of who they are and what they stand for, when there is never anyone to challenge it, to question it, to explore it? When living the monotonous life of work, work, sleep, repeat --- you lose track of who you are outside of that. And I don't want to be defined by my work. Especially when my work becomes equivalent to the years I spent between grade school and college, the years I tried to forget after I lived them because they were so painfully laced with self-doubt. After spending so much of your life unsure, then discovering how to be everything but, it's hard to find yourself back there...uncertain of who you have become, and where your direction lies.
I'm overwhelmed at the task of discovering that again. I waver between excitement and fear when thinking of the next few months...but I hope wherever I land, I can feel like myself again. I liked who I was, or who I am...I'm not sure which it is. I'm just not happy with the last few months, they're cloudy and restless and right now, I'm not exactly sure how to make it clearer.