Friday, September 30

Friday frustrations.

I just ran into someone in the hall that I met my first few months here in Providence who had got back from taking a year off of medical school. In our polite catching-up chit-chat, he teased me that I hadn't yet moved to a vineyard in California. Instead, I replied that I had since moved out of the city, and yes, am still working in the same position. Here he is one year away from becoming a doctor, and I'm still barely making it by with a desk job. I felt like an asshole.

You see, I am always coming up with new ideas. Either a new place I want to move to (I was serious about moving to a vineyard in California, specifically this place), or a new career move I was thinking about taking. The thing is, I'm dead serious when I'm talking about my plans, but chances are, I'm going to change my mind in a matter of time. I was just talking to a friend of mine today over IM how we're both kind of stuck because we find so many things interesting that's it's difficult to center that energy into one thing and go for it. This has been irritating me for years now.

And today, running into my old friend, it all really hit me hard. I've mentioned I'm tired of voicing my thoughts on actions I want to take here before, but I'm also tired of never sticking with something I at one point deemed as exhilirating and a worthy direction to head. I feel like it's making me seem like I'm all talk. And actually, I'm beginning to realize I just might be. But I'm stuck, I've been stuck for years, nothing feels right to me and I'm scared nothing ever will.

I crave the change and yet don't know what the change is. What if I never know? How can I find motivation to get out of where I'm at if I don't know where to direct it? And why is it people like me spend their entire life searching for what they want to do, when some people seem born with it?

Thursday, September 29

Welcome to the past.

Women everywhere were just simultaneously and unwillingly forced back into time where we had no choice when it came to our bodies, when the government thought they knew better than we did.

Read the horrible news here.

Pro-lifers were just granted the satisfaction they've been searching for for decades, and we dismissed all their hateful actions of harrassment and burning of clinics with this one vote.

Salsa, on PMS.

During last night's salsa lesson, the smile that was continuously on my face was masking the following thoughts (proof that the salsa classmates you usually adore, are not as loveable the week before your period. Man, girls are bitches. Consider yourself warned.):

* Dear Girl-Who-Wears-the-80's-Dancer-Gear: this is not Flashdance and you are not impressing anyone with your backless leotard and cutesy skirt. And careful, if you move your hips out to the side any further, you're going to start knocking people out left and right. I'll make sure to avoid you. That, and your boyfriend creeps me out. Will you tell him to stop staring at me with that goofy grin on his face? And last night, we apparently had a moment that I was not aware of sharing, because he looked at me then laughed like something just happened between us, but I missed it. I mean, how did you guys get permission from your parents to stay out so late, anyway? Isn't 8 past your bedtime?

* Ok, perfect girl with the perfect looking boyfriend: you are obviously a dancer, because you move like a dancer - but being a dancer already does not a good salsa dancer make. Although, you sure do think you're great at it with your perfectly level head and and your perfectly swaying hips, but you are not perfect; in fact, you kind of look like you're doing a toned-down version of Riverdance. And besides, your boyfriend seems like he's one of those guys who probably only dates girls as perfect looking as you. And that irritates me. Not because I'm envious, but because I've dated one of these guys (not because I was perfect, but because I'm good at making people think I am. HA! Had you fooled until now, didn't I?); and let me tell you, he actually admitted to me that he would have broken up with me if I had gotten fat. And because he also knew how to cry and how to threaten suicide, I still stayed with him 7 months too long. (When now I'm realizing all I had to do was get fat.) But that just pisses me off that people like that even exist and people like me fall for it because we're too nice to dump someone we don't really like and because we're too lonely to want to be alone, even though they're boring as hell.

Ok, sorry, where was ? Oh right...back to salsa.

* Someone in my class looks like the Ghost. I'm scared to dance with him. I don't want him and his black-rimmed-glasses near me, I might knee him for making me miserable all those months (years), and well, he doesn't deserve it because he's not him, and that would just be plain mean. Besides, I really like his girlfriend, she's hilarious and fun and dresses nicely, unlike Flashdance girl who I want to accidentally trip.

* Guy with the accent, you wear WAY too much cologne. Really, you don't have to roll around in it, didn't anyone teach you the-spray-in-the-air-then-walk-through-it trick? And, although this is your second time around taking the class, don't act like you know more than me, I may be clouded and confused temperarily by the burning sensation in my eyes from the pungent skunk-drowned-in-perfume scent that's surrounding us, but I'm pretty sure you are not the salsa-god, and I am not Penelope Le Peu, so give it a rest already.

* Hey girl-that-looks-like-she's-in-her-own-world, obviously imagining herself whipping it up on the dance floors at the Latin clubs...although you might seem like a badass white girl salsa dancer, you are not even close! I saw you last night trip on your own feet, and then when we went right, you went left. You may want to give it a rest, you are not as smooth as you think you are, stop blaming it on the guy when it's obviously you trying to take control...wait a minute...this is me. Ok, ok, you do have smashing hip movements. So what if you trip on your shoes? You pull it off with such grace, you hot-stuff, you. Keep it up, badass.


Ok. I'm begining to think Blogger should have a PMS-filter. Just a thought.

Tuesday, September 27

Image hosted by

Well, guys, I think my idea of celebrating my birthday for the entire month is finally coming to a close. And I must say, this year, I think I may have overdone myself and people might just be rolling their eyes at this point if they have to celebrate it one more time. And I must say, I don't blame them.

So even though today is offically the day, I'm having a hard time actually believing it myself. I thought maybe if I posted this picture, I might actually feel it. Fortunately for me, there is one person who has yet to celebrate it with me, and tonight he's taking me out in style. I'm pretty much the luckiest person alive, not just for the feast that will be laid before me tonight and the company that comes with it, but for everyone that I am blessed enough to have in my life. Especially those that travel thousands of miles just to spend a day or two with me. Sometimes I don't think I deserve it, but boy does it make me happy (and, a little misty eyed).

Thanks, guys, I couldn't have imagined a better birthday. You're the best.

Here's to 26!

Friday, September 23

I'm not happy to see you, I just live my life consistently cold.

Sometimes I think I should be arrested for walking around like I do in my office. Seriously. I'm x-rated on a daily basis.

Gangstaknitta, can you knit me some nipple sweaters?

Out with the 25, in with the good.

I've been having run-ins with the past as of late, and it's throwing me off a bit. I'm not sure how to process it all, what it is the instances are trying to tell me. For a week now, it's been one after the other. And they haven't been pleasant reminders, they've been emotionally filled and a bit distressing. Many have come in forms of dreams, others in email or voicemail, and only one in person. It's not like it's unusual for me, people coming in and out of my life from my past, but never have they happened all at once and provoked so many thoughts. Perhaps it's because my birthday is coming up, and, like New Year's, it's causing me to think about the previous year and what's to come in the next. In any case, it's making me feel a little uneasy about things, leaving me to wonder where it is I should turn next.

This week has caused surpressed feelings to resurface, feelings that I've purposely learned to ignore for a while now. Feelings that I had once been devoured by, but managed to uncover myself from and push them aside in order to go on with some kind of normalcy. The one somewhat-positive reminder of my past was in a dream I had a few night ago of my friend Tim from childhood. This positivity drips of irony, considering he killed himself a little over 3 years ago, and left me with feelings of negativity and confusion, not optimism and contentment. Whenever he visits me in my subconscious, he is always the Tim that I knew and loved, that I never once felt threatened by, the one who could always make us laugh and feel like a kid again. I broke his heart once we were 8 and he never let me forget it; I would give anything for him to tease me about it one more time. I've had dreams where I've repeatedly asked him why he did it, why he couldn't of just come to one of us for help, but I've never gotten an answer. I'm always waking up just as puzzled as before. I feel unsettled the rest of the day, left with a desire to hide and be alone with my thoughts. I want to erase that moment, erase the last few years of his life so he'll come back. I want to be back that New Year's eve when I last saw him. I just want him to still be alive.

I feel the need to know what these instances are trying to tell me. I pride myself on being able to find a reason for just about anything happening in my life or in others; but this time, I'm a bit stuck. Are they to remind me of who I was, remind me that I need to deal with the feelings they left me with? I feel like there's nothing left to uncover. My thoughts were consumed all too long with them while they were happening, more time spent will feel like a waste of energy. Yet, when I still think about each person, each is linked with remaining feelings of restlessness, feelings that have been left unclosed. I feel guilt or am filled with questions, something that won't allow me to close that part of my life just yet. Or maybe I'm being over-dramatic, like I often am. But even still, something is preventing me from figuring it out.

I hope maybe all this questioning will soon be turned around, maybe these instances are preparing me for something that's coming, something that will finally allow me to feel settled. I hope this is it. I'm ready for my thoughts to be calmed even a little bit, I want these reminders from my past to be welcomed.

This birthday, I'm blowing my candles out with hopefulness running through my head; and the hope that with my breath, the questions will be blown away.

I think this year is going to be different, I've paid my dues. It has to be, I'm not allowing it to be anything else. I'm tired of the bad, and ready for the good. Bring it on, life.

Friday, September 16

Disappointment, recurring.

Ok, so remember this whole thing? Well, I guess I never really went into it as to why it didn't last, because, well, I didn't feel like talking about it all that much. But I've just heard that he's back together with her. You know, the other girl that he was choosing between? The other girl that he continued to bitch about while with me, pointing out all the qualities I had that she lacked and that he despised in her? Yeh, her. The one that supposedly had lost out in the choice.

I'm not jealous of her by any means, as I've got a good thing going myself right now, I'm just more or less disappointed in him. And disappointed in myself. Disappointed and frustrated that I, yet again, trusted someone and what they said. I've said it before that I trust too easily, almost to the point where I'm bordering on naive; but honestly, I don't want to stop trusting people. Yet it seems more and more things like this keep happening, and sooner or later this trust thing is going to stop happening.

Does the deceiving ever stop? Can the trust ever truly exist? I'm beginning to wonder.

She's no Commodore 64.

I just got off the phone after a 5-minute conversation with a computer. And it wasn't the press 1 for this or press 2 for that kind of call that we're used to, this was a full-on, comprehending digital female voice. When asking me what it is I wanted, the lady machine could understand my words, even gave me options. In fact, during the conversation T was asking me something, and as I replied to her or if I laughed out of pure astonishment, the machine lady interrupted her spouting of options to stop and say, "I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. Did you say...?" When I stated I didn't have a second number where I could be reached, she replied, "That's ok, we still have your first number, don't worry." (And I was, people, I was worried!) She even looked through her digital datebook to find a time for the next repair man to show, and when she finally asked if I could be available from 9 a.m. to 6 pm. today, Friday, September 17th, for a techinician to come to my house, as if a machine myself, I finally requested to be transferred to an agent. And she understood my request.

All this had come after a call last night to pay my cell phone bill (late), where the first few minutes Miss Verizon Digital Lady expressed her heartfelt sympathy to me for the families in Louisiana that lost their homes and lives. Miss VDL contined to voice how they're committed to making the transition back to normal lives as easy as possible for those effected by Hurricane Katrina, and they'll do everything they can in order for that to happen. Something just seemed wrong about a machine spouting off words of compassion and dedication. It doesn't quite have the same effect coming from a robotic voice, even if it was programmed to sound warm and sincere.

I know this isn't all that uncommon, guys, but this morning I'm having a hard time believing we're actually there, that the future we were waiting for is present. The words of Chris Martin singing "it could be computers looking for life on earth" are suddenly true now, not a hundred years from now. And as I hypocritically transform my human voice into digital words and code for computers to display, I'm suddenly longing for the time where 2010 seems light-years away and human contact and interaction were actually needed, desired even. And all this came from my need to get online at home after finally installing a landline a week ago(remember those?) that is now broken, when I spend all 40-hours of my work-week staring at a computer. It just doesn't seem right.

Can't it just be 1985 again?

Thursday, September 15

1, 2, 3 - 5, 6, 7; 1, 2, 3 - 5...

The salsa lessons started last night, kids, and I'm gonna be rocking it Havana Nights style in no time. My nervousness in going it alone was pretty quickly squashed when I realized about half of us were solo. So now I'm thinking in threes: 1, 2, 3 and 5, 6, 7, which is a weird transition having spent a large part of my youth dancing in 8's. I think I caught on without much delay, and I felt like I was already ready for a little latin club action. Far from it, though. Give me 6 weeks, I'll be tearing up the competition on the dance floors; no one will have seen a white blonde girl danca salsa like me. Watch out, Providence.

Tuesday, September 13

90210 vs the OC

If yesterday's post was the funniest thing I have seen in a while, this might be one of the funniest things I've read in a while. And, I happen to know a few women who will appreciate it, including the 3 I watched it with every week in college. (I apologize ahead of time for the lengthy copy and paste of the comparison, but it was sent to me in an email, and I'm too lazy to find the link.)

I give to you, the 90210 vs. O.C. debate, by Bill Simmons from ESPN.


You're right, it's time. Let's break this baby down, Dr. Jack-style. To keep things fair, I'm only comparing "The OC" to the first two seasons of "90210."

Premise: "90210" revolved around two twins from Minnesota moving to Beverly Hills and dealing with rich people. "The OC" had a troubled kid from Encino moving to Orange County and dealing with rich people. The lesson, as always: You're probably going to have a hit show if an outsider is dealing with rich people. "The OC" pilot was better -- actually, it was probably the best episode in the history of the show -- but "90210" gets points for originality. Too tough to call.

Stars: Brandon Walsh could have been a pretty corny part in the wrong hands, especially when the pilot had him turning down the advances from a smoking-hot chick in a hot tub, or the episode when Emily Valentine slipped him an ecstacy pill and he reacted like she had infected him with an AIDS-infected needle. It was also confusing how the writers made him the moral conscience of the show, then gave him a gambling problem out of nowhere, or had him smash up his car in a DWI accident. But Jason Priestley handled all of these things, became a pretty big star, helped launch the remarkably bizarre sideburns trend, hosted an "SNL" episode and breathed life into lines like "You sure you should be driving?" and "You OK?" Good actor, great part. He was the rock of the show -- we even forgave him after he broke the Code of Guys and started dating his best friend's girlfriend. Meanwhile, if it wasn't for Marissa, Ryan would have been the weak link of "The OC" -- he was very good in the first few episodes, before the whole "he's a brooding outsider with a hair-trigger temper who means well" act wore thin because they ordered too many episodes at once. By the end of the season, Ben McKenzie (who plays Ryan) was stuck doing Jay Mohr's eyeball rolling, "I love her man!" impersonation of Andrew McCarthy, only he wasn't kidding. So they preppied him up in Season 2, gave him a self-deprecating sense of humor and a broader personality, and now he's an absolute mess -- to the point that they're starting to steer the show around Seth. What happened to the guy who wore leather jackets and white T-shirts and couldn't express himself? Now he's whipping out one-liners like Yakov Smirnoff. I'm confused.
MAJOR EDGE: 90210.

Breakout Sidekick: I'm already on record as saying that the guy who plays Seth (Adam Brody) has the best chance of anyone to become the next Tom Hanks ... and yet, I'm not sure Seth could carry his own show. He's a little too manic. Dylan McKay? He could have carried his own show. And then some. I'm just saying.
EDGE: 90210.

Babes: Tough category for "90210" -- there were only four girls on the show, and two of them were Tori Spelling and Gabrielle Carteris. Ouch. I liked Jennie Garth, and her Kelly Taylor character clearly foreshadowed every loathsome character we would see 14 years later on "My Super Sweet 16," but she wasn't prettier than anyone on "The OC" (except for maybe Ryan's new girlfriend). And Shannen Doherty was too wholesome and crazy-looking during those first two seasons, although maybe she had to be. As for "The OC" ... good golly. It's a murderer's row. You could make the case that Alex (Marissa's new girlfriend) and Summer (played by Rachel Bilson) are two of the hottest characters in the history of televsion -- that's right, I said it -- with Marissa right behind them, as well as Julie Cooper and Seth's mom making the Meredith Baxter-Birney Hall of Fame for smoking-hot TV moms. Say what you want about Josh Schwartz (the creator of "The OC"), but the man clearly knows what he's doing.

Parents: I liked the Walshes, but the Cohens serve the Brandon Walsh role for "The OC" -- in other words, they're the collective rock of the show, which made it so infuriating when they introduced the recent storyline where Sandy Cohen struggles with unresolved feelings for an old flame (played by a Botoxed-out Kim Delaney). Too out-of-character for him. Anyway, I can't ever imagine the Cohens getting slowly phased out of the show like the Walshes did, or getting transferred to Hong Kong and knocked off the show. Wouldn't happen. Only one thing saves this from being a complete landslide: The opening credits of "90210", when James Eckhouse (as Mr. Walsh) would proudly turn around with his arms folded over his chest, followed by the "that's right, I'm Mr. F-ing Walsh!" smile. That always killed me.

Wet Blanket Character: This boils down to Andrea (90210) against Caleb (OC), which is ironic because they're both the same age (bah-dum-cha!). But at least Caleb serves some sick, twisted purpose -- he's a villain, just a bad one. Andrea murdered entire episodes at a time -- she was like a cross between Adrian Balboa and Ted Bundy.

Theme Song: I can't believe I'm saying this, but ...

Unintentional Comedy: Between David Silver's budding music career; the two-part accidental shooting death of his buddy with the cowboy hat; Brandon nearly making the basketball team when he was like 5-foot-5; Andrea being like 35 in real life; and every single scene with Steve Sanders -- including the unforgettable adoption episode, which should have won Ian Ziering an Anti-Emmy -- I'm not sure we'll ever see the likes of "90210" again from an Unintentional Comedy standpoint. (Again, Ian Ziering was one of the stars of this show. The man had a blonde mullet perm. Repeat: Blonde mullet perm.) Anyway, "The OC" is too smart for that stuff -- if anything, the Unintentional Comedy is intentional, if that makes sense (like Luke's "welcome to the OC, b---h!" scene, a parody of those cheesy 80's scenes with the Zabka-like villains, the more I'm thinking about it). I'm pretty sure they're parodying shows like "90210" with some of these plots -- like Caleb's secret daughter being involved with his other daughter's surrogate son, or the entire episode when Luke's dad was outed -- which is one of the reasons I enjoy the show so much. No premise is too absurd for "The OC." At this point, the only Unintentional Comedy happens during any scene when Marissa has to act, especially if she's throwing a tantrum or pretending to be drunk. I keep waiting to find out that Mischa Barton is Keanu Reeves's illegitimate daughter. Then again, she's no Ian Ziering.
HUGE EDGE: 90210.

Plot Lines: "The OC's" biggest mistake was the way they raced through plots and relied too heavily on the "tune in next week!" factor, which is a pretty dangerous way to go -- we weren't even midway through the second season when they were playing the lesbian card. At the rate they're going, by Season 4, we'll see Ryan kidnapped by a UFO or something. I also think they juggle way too many plots, almost like the TV version of the Memphis Grizzlies playing too many guys. And with so much going on, the characters are racing through their lines now, so everyone talks in the same snappy, sarcastic fashion and you almost need to watch the shows twice to pick everything up. With "90210", they were very good at building shows around guest stars and one-episode plots during those first two seasons, with almost everything revolving around Brandon's world and the Dylan-Brandon relationship. Some of those early episodes stood on their own, like the one when Brandon dated the racist volleyball player, or the slumber party where Kelly confessed that she lost her virginity in the woods to a conniving senior. (It's weird, I can't remember what I did last week, and yet I can remember all of these stupid episodes). When something major happened -- like the Dylan-Kelly-Brenda love triangle -- it happened over the course of an entire summer, not two episodes, and it actually made sense as it unfolded (they set that baby up like a multi-episode arc in "Lost"). I don't feel like there's any rhyme or reason to the stuff that happens on "The OC" -- personified by Marissa falling for another woman during February sweeps. That's right, it's girl-on-girl action, Thursday on Fox!
EDGE: 90210.

Gratuitous use of half-siblings and step-siblings: It took a few years for "90210" to master this one, whereas "The OC" jumped right in -- at this point, Seth is related to everyone on the show except for the gardener.

Hangouts: "90210" had the Peach Pit, where aggrieved teenagers gathered to bitch about their parents, throw down some greasy food and crack wise with Nat (the one-note Peach Pit owner who inexplicably landed in the credits in Season Six). My favorite part about the Peach Pit was that Dylan hung out there -- here's a 17-year-old kid who didn't need a guardian and somehow knew every shady character in Los Angeles, someone who Mr. Walsh thought was WAY too dangerous to date his daughter, yet you were always most likely to find Dylan in a diner having lifetalks with someone who was three times older than him. How did that make sense? It was right up there with Daniel-San introducing Mr. Miyagi as his "best friend" in "Karate Kid 3". As for the Bait Shop, which became the main hangout on "The OC" this season, this might be the most unrealistic club on the planet. First of all, it's never crowded, even though they frequently have bands like The Killers playing there. Second, they don't card at the door, but there's a full bar. Third, it's the only music club in America where it's possible to have full conversations without shouting at the top of your lungs, even when the band is playing on stage. Fourth, there are no fights, no mosh pits, no obnoxious bouncers, no marijuana smoke, no cigarettes and nobody ever throws up. And fifth, none of the characters on the show are aspiring musicians along the lines of David Silver, who would have belted out
"Precious" on stage at least six times by now. So why even have the Bait Shop? Again, I'm confused.
MAJOR EDGE: 90210.

Glaring and embarrassing exclusion of any African-American characters: At least "90210" had a black manager at the Summer Club, or the episode when Brandon butted heads with Vivica A. Fox, or the one where Brandon nearly exposed the rule-bending on the hoops team. I'm not sure I've even SEEN a black person on "The OC." Has it happened? Did I miss it?

Originality: "90210" mastered the love triangle -- which was shamelessly ripped off by every subsequent show of this ilk, including most of the excruciating "Dawson's Creek" -- as well as those preachy storylines involving alcohol, the loss of virginity, drugs, diet pills, drunk-driving, bi-polar girlfriends, elephant tranquilizers, bestiality and everything else you can imagine. It also invented the "outsider deals with rich people" concept, as we discussed before. "The OC" mastered the "parody of a 90210-type show that somehow carries the weight of a real show" dynamic, which is harder than you think ... but not enough to take thiscategory.
EDGE: 90210.

Inexplicable homoerotic overtones: When Brandon and Dylan grew matching sideburns and started calling each other "B" and "D," you would have thought they were a lock for this category. But between Seth and Ryan's "Single White Female"-like friendship and Marissa's new relationship, this isn't even close.

Cultural Impact: Brandon and Dylan started the sideburns trend back in 1991, leading to my ill-fated attempt to grow them during my senior year in college. I'd rather not discuss this again. Ever. But "The OC" never inspired me to do anything. Not even throw up in my mouth.
EDGE: 90210.

Watershed ridiculous episode (through two seasons): For "90210", it's the episode where Brandon dumps Emily Valentine and she melts down -- any show that ends with a crazy girl threatening to set herself on fire on the school's homecoming float is one for the ages. Of course, Brandon visited her in San Fran a few years later and there was no mention of any of this. You had to love "90210." As for "The OC," I'd have to go with the Tijuana episode, which ended with Marissa overdosing and Ryan carrying her in slow-motion through the streets of Mexico, one of those "I can't believe I'm watching this" moments in life that you can never get back. Throw in a homecoming float and we would have had a winner.
EDGE: 90210.

Final verdict: "90210" invented this genre, whereas "The OC" tried to re-invent it (throwing in a little self-parody to boot). "90210" didn't make many mistakes during those first two seasons, whereas "The OC" made a bunch of them (most famously, the Oliver debacle). More importantly, I can't believe I just spent 2,000 words trying to figure this out.
FINAL EDGE: 90210.


I would like to say, as much as I have grown to like the OC, I have to admit it doesn't come close to filling the void that 90210 left, and I believe Bill would agree with me. Your thoughts, ladies? (and any gents brave enough to admit they watched it. Go ahead, you can do it.)

Monday, September 12

If you guys have yet to see this, I recommend not wasting any more time and watching it immediately. It is perhaps the funniest thing I have ever seen. I mean, I couldn't be happier that he did it, as it was definitely needed, but the look on Mike Myers face, then the reaction of Chris Tucker had me almost in tears.

Watch it. NOW.

And gets even better when Chris Rock does this:

My week in numerous sentences, bordering on a little too many.

Since I usually fill my blog of heavy, somewhat melodromatic posts, I feel it necessary to share with you all about my past week and how incredibly blown away I have been by it all. Please, read on. I hope you don't get too bored with all my gushing:

Do you all remember this? That was back in January that I discovered my potential new love, and before that I had been filling my friends and coworker's ears full of my desires to have my very own Mac. And as I am usually rather obsessive and neurotic about expressing my wishes, I no doubt did this particular wish of mine great justice by successfully making everyone roll their eyes every single time I mentioned it. Well, apparently, they had had enough.

In case any of you don't know me, you should know one thing: I am all about my birthday. It's not just one day for me, it's an entire month dedicated to just my birth. Really, I feel like everyone should make the biggest deal as possible about their birthdays. It is the only day (or in my case, month) out of the year that can be dedicated just to you. There's no need to be modest about it, I say live it up. You might want to start out with a birthday week, then work it up to the birthday month. A birthday year would be taking it to far, I mean, that's rather selfish, don't you think? There are a few other billion people to take into account. For me, this year so far has been no exception. In fact, it's been the opposite of an exception. (Hmm...what is that exactly? An inception?) It not even close to my birthday, it's still two weeks away in fact, but I already feel like I've had two birthdays. Thursday I came into work to a vase of sunflowers and a note that read, "Happy Birthday Month, (heart) T." T shares my affection for celebrating the birthdays to a T (ha!), so she tends to go all out at the sake of others as well. But sunflowers 3 weeks before my birthday, she took it up a notch, and I quite enjoyed it. I sat under the towering sunflowers as my sister called to have lunch with me a bit early that day. I thought nothing of it, she's often doing that. We had an unsuccessful lunch at the french place that others refer to as Au Bon Pain; me: The French Place whose name I refuse to say so I don't sound like the idiot American it makes me feel like. We head back about quarter of so she can say hi to T and J, on the way she makes a strange phone call to her husband but some weird person answers and she thinks she has the wrong number, but then it turned out to be his secretary. I'm still clueless at this point. We walk into the hallway and the door is shut and the lights are off, I express worry to my sister, wondering what happened. We open the door and all my coworkers and even friends not from Brown are standing all around, balloons, streamers, and good food surrounding. I was completely shocked. I would've been content with just that, happy that people had made an effort to celebrate my birthday early, in what is completely my style. I thought that was it, I was ready to eat and chat with my friends. But there were requests to open the present I planned on saving until everyone was gone so I wouldn't have to be watched. I opened just the end of it, and saw the beautiful two word name: "Mac mini." I was in shock. No way is that really a computer wrapped in the shiny purple paper, no way did I just see that correctly. Surely it was just the box. I continued unwrapping, and it was indeed a Mac mini. And the tears started flowing. And folks, they didn't stop for about another hour. I couldn't believe this many people had cared that much about me to put their hard-earned money into getting me something I had always wanted. Never in my life would I have expected this, I will forever be blown away when I think about how incredibly special and loved they made me feel with that one act of kindness and thought. Everytime I turn my comptuer on, I'm reminded that I am one lucky individual that has been blessed with the people in her life, in so many ways. I'm especially grateful to T, not only for this incredibly thoughtful act, but for being a constant in my life, and for being a wonderful, amazing, gratious friend that I am so lucky to have forced to be my friend. Ah, sometimes I'm proud of my skills of persuation.

And folks, this is not the end of it. In addition to this lovely unexpected surprise on Thursday, I also threw a little BBQ out at my house this weekend. It was appropriately dubbed, a "country shindig." And that it was. People came out, sangria was made, a fire was built, and food was consumed. It couldn't have been any better. I loved everyone there, and was so thankful they made the "trek" out to my house to enjoy the fresh air and the company of one another. It was pretty much the first party I had thrown on my own without the help of roommates, and not on that, but it was the first successful party I had ever thrown. I couldn't have been happier with the turn out. There were constant comments about how much colder it was way out in Foster compared to the city (only 20 miles east fo there, but you would think I live in a whole other country). Later in the evening, Took had managed to wrap himself entirely around my friend M's ankles and caused him to fall down. (Finally, our little trick had been mastered! Nice work, Took, nice work.) The best was feeding my friends, and them overwhelming me with compliments and requests for more. Nothing in this world makes me happier then feeding people and them loving my creation. If possible, cooking is kind of my art, and it's one of the few things in this world that I claim to not be all that bad at. So when I can witness a group of people enjoying what I put time into, I'm not sure I could get happier. I didn't want the night to end, I wanted people around my fire permanently, and laughter and conversations heard from my house on a more constant basis. It was lonely there last night, my house was too empty and Took was too bored with just me.

In addition to all of this, I've been keeping something from you. Kind of intentionally, actually. As you may have noted, I tend to jinx myself with talking about someone special here, so I've purposely been keeping it to myself. Although, I think I may have hinted towards it now that I'm thinking (here, in fact)...but I've been hanging out with someone new who really makes me smile and continues to surprise me. His intelligence is inspiring, and the similarities and connections between us are still being uncovered. More on this to come.

Overall, I have lately been amazed at how life throws things at you when you least expect it. For me, it was my trip to DC and the feelings and motivation that came from it, including a desire to move there. Since this experience, all these things have happened in my life that has made me re-evaluate my eagerness to move away from Rhode Island. People have come into my life that already held a love of this city, and have made me realize what it was I was looking past, and simply because of unsettled feelings I had of refusual of this actually becoming my home. The past week has reminded me of the friends I have made here and how much I love them all, and don't want to leave them simply because of stubborn reasons that I can't rightly justify. I'm not saying I'm ready to settle, as I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for that, but I am planning on sticking around for a little while longer at least. This city is special, and the people I have met in it, even more so. And I think that is one of the little pleasures of life, the realization that something of greater force is throwing what you want the least back into your life in pleasant little reminders. That maybe what you want, is already what you have, but for some reason, you just can't see it. This whole idea of life's little ironies is one of the many things in this world that continue to amaze me...

...that, and my inability to express myself accurately. I think the next book I need to read is a Thesaurus. Here are some pictures of the surprise party, and my reaction to the unexpected gift that is now threatening my relationships with actual human beings because I love it so much:

Image hosted by

Image hosted by

Friday, September 9

And here it is: Proof that way too much time was spent contemplating TITC, in chronological order. (R would be so proud.)

Here you go, Velumptuous ladies, you asked for it. I'm not sure you knew what you were getting yourselves into. The following should provide ample procrastination time. Let the discussion begin....


Thursday, August 11, 2005

From: Courtney
To: Robert
Subject: trapped in a closet

you seem like an intelligent, creative, intriguing i am curious what it is about a video of r.
kelly waving a gun around and finding out his wife
knows the cop that interests you? is it a part of your
popular culture studies? or simply a burning desire to
be trapped in a closet?

and an even better question is: when do the next
chapters come out?

the only other person who watched it besides you,

(If only I knew where this was headed..)


From: Robert
To: Courtney
Subject: re: trapped in a closet

now this is a subject i can get into. and, sadly, i
know a pathetically large number of people (say,
two or three) who followed the saga religiously.

i think i'm just trying to figure out if the r is as far
ahead of his time as i think he is, or if he's just a
very lucky idiot. but there are so many priceless
exchanges, odd minute details and
inconsistencies, and so much flat out insanity to
pts 1-5 (and i have no idea when the rest is coming
out - i heard he made 35 of them - but i'm there
when it happens), that i'm still struggling to wrap
my head around it all. and, yes, i'm kind of scared
to ask myself why i care.

and you, did you stumble along this epic on VH1,
or did kells have you from hello? that's important
for me to know before i really get into part one

it's too bad we can't have this exchange in song.
i'm suddenly inspired...

talk to you soon...

(This was only the beginning, my friends. Only the beginning...)


Friday, August 12th, 2005

From: Courtney
To: Robert
Subject: re: trapped in a closet

yes, however...if we were to have this conversation in
song, you would be doing all of the singing, and i would
just be mouthing my words. as for how i came across
it -- i did just happen to stumble upon it on mtv2,
actually. although, i was definitely sucked in as soon
as the husband came home and turned out to be gay.
(um, which is a little shocking, really) but priceless
exchanges, eh? and these inconsistencies you speak
of..i'm intrigued.

i might have to say he could be a very lucky idiot. i
mean, 35 more? i'm afraid his luck could run out with
that many more lyrical exchanges.

yes, this is a little scary. especially now that you
actually have me seriously contemplating the depth of
an r. kelly drama.



Sunday, August 14, 2005

From: Robert
To: Courtney
Subject: re: trapped in a closet

scary, eh? the r's fear leads him to nearly
shooting someone around part three. and
really, why was he "scared"? so he got
caught in bed with the gay pastor's wife? i
also like that he says "all of this that i'm
going through is unheard." is it? is it that

other little bits: the cell phone ringing -
can you turn it on vibrate at mid-ring?
and who called him at 7 o'clock in the
morning when the "rays from the sun
wakes me" (poor grammar from the git.
learn how to use your prepositional
phrases, kells)? why doesn't this get

the "he says yes i says no he says yes i
says no he says yes it's the truth" line:
priceless. just priceless. just like "and he's
looking at the closet/and i pull out my
baretta/he's coming to the
he's at the closet/now he's opening the
closet." can you ever think of closets the
same way? can you?

another priceless one: "and she says rufus
you son of a bitch, and he says kathy you
go to hell." they don't read nearly as well
as they are sung, but what's with the weird
she gives r a biblical name at the club
(mary), and that turns out to be false. and
then he actually details her throwing a
pillow at rufus, like she tried to shoot him.

the part four sex scene: possibly trumped
by "i cannot believe it/ooh ooh ooh
ooh/here come's a policeman", which he
delivers w/o a hint of irony. and where the
hell did her brother twan come home
from? college? the army? prison? space
camp? but the sex is so lurid. i mean, his
leg cramp?

and who the hell is tina? why did his wife
mention "tina", only to move right to
roxanne? will we find out later? and just
how large is our man's persecution

oh, almost forgot: "there's a reason i'm in
this closet." "yeah, what are you, talking
clothes?" wtf?

well, if you weren't scared before, that's a
lot to write about r kelly right there. i think
i have to go give my brain a shower. in
the meantime, what else are you up to
when not getting sucked into r kelly's idiot-
savant psychodrama? as if that isn't


(See, what did I tell you?)


Tuesday, August 16th, 2005

From: Courtney
To: Robert
Subject: re: trapped in a closet

ok. so apparently, i need to watch this one more time
before i can really add anything substantial to this
conversation. however, some initial thoughts: "there's
a reason i'm in this closet." obviously, being trapped in
a closet is figurative as well as literal. i mean, the
"reason" he speaks of is more than just for the clothes
because the pastor was not exactly a model of fashion.
so what then, he's feeling trapped because he's not
getting satisfied at home or something? but obviously,
as shown in the last chapters, he is getting rather
satisfied (physically) at home. so what could he be
hiding? what makes him trapped? ah...the depths of r
kelly's mind.

i was definitely confused as to why he felt the need to
bring the gun out. like you said, what did he have to be
scared about? obviously, he could have taken the
pastor, w/o a gun. was he really threatened by
someone half his size? i remember the phone ringing,
but i believe mine might have rang at the same time,
so details are a little blurry around this time. but
perhaps he just silenced the ringer? which can be done
while it's ringing. i'm a little blown away by the fact that
as soon as the husband gets home, he and his wife go
at it, all the while she knows r is in the closet. don't
you find this a little strange? i mean, i guess she had
to just go with it so that he wouldn't suspect anything.
but still, it's a bit odd. also, when r was calling home,
why would the guy that was with his wife answer?
that's a little unrealistic. of course, the dramatic effect
would not have been present had she answered.

so fast forward to the final chapters...that was a leg
cramp that caused him to stop what they were doing?
or was it the possible guilt or lack of trust? i think i
need to watch it again before we continue this
conversation. honestlly, i didn't exactly realize an r
kelly video could have such depth as this apparently
does. so either you are really good at finding depth to
just about anything, or i was oblivious of the layers at
first viewing. but either way, i think you are on to
something and i will try and find it again to watch it
more closely.

so this will have to be continued...



From: Robert
To: Courtney
Subject: re: trapped in a closet

sadly, i lost a thread of emails that my friend josh
(a brown grad studying middle-eastern politics in
jerusalem, and the smartest person our age that i
know) started among ten or so of us on the saga.
enlightening, and scary proof of how much
brainpower has gone into deconstructing "the pied
piper of r&b".

so, i'll keep the analysis short, but you touched on
the closet metaphor thing, and i can't help myself.
i'm not sure if r ever - intentionally - implicates
himself in that metaphor. it's like he says about
the pastor at the start of pt 2: "now he's staring at
me, as if he was staring at a mirror". this
foreshadows the pastor's own infidelity, and
his "coming out the closet". honestly, i think r's
persecution complex is too large for him to feel
any guilt. for (amazing) evidence, check out the
quote at the link below:

(Sadly, somewhere along the lines, the link was stolen from Friendster. Rob, do you still have them?)

at least i've proven i can talk at even
greater length about things unrelated to mr robert
kelly. i'll wait for you to take another look at the
video (but look for the poster in part five. beyond



And, that, my friends, is waaaaay too many words exchanged about R. Kelly. Or is it? It's up to you. I believe there are many more words that can be said, and Rob is your man. (Oh, and by the way, the last paragraph in the last post was taken from another message, I had to cut out the part where he asked me to have his baby, it was a bit ridiculous, and I tried to keep it to TITC-related.) There has been a few more exchanges in person, and constant references made. We still have yet to catch the VMA performance, I'm hoping to catch it on a re-run.

Ok...your turn.