I just ran into someone in the hall that I met my first few months here in Providence who had got back from taking a year off of medical school. In our polite catching-up chit-chat, he teased me that I hadn't yet moved to a vineyard in California. Instead, I replied that I had since moved out of the city, and yes, am still working in the same position. Here he is one year away from becoming a doctor, and I'm still barely making it by with a desk job. I felt like an asshole.
You see, I am always coming up with new ideas. Either a new place I want to move to (I was serious about moving to a vineyard in California, specifically this place), or a new career move I was thinking about taking. The thing is, I'm dead serious when I'm talking about my plans, but chances are, I'm going to change my mind in a matter of time. I was just talking to a friend of mine today over IM how we're both kind of stuck because we find so many things interesting that's it's difficult to center that energy into one thing and go for it. This has been irritating me for years now.
And today, running into my old friend, it all really hit me hard. I've mentioned I'm tired of voicing my thoughts on actions I want to take here before, but I'm also tired of never sticking with something I at one point deemed as exhilirating and a worthy direction to head. I feel like it's making me seem like I'm all talk. And actually, I'm beginning to realize I just might be. But I'm stuck, I've been stuck for years, nothing feels right to me and I'm scared nothing ever will.
I crave the change and yet don't know what the change is. What if I never know? How can I find motivation to get out of where I'm at if I don't know where to direct it? And why is it people like me spend their entire life searching for what they want to do, when some people seem born with it?