Friday, September 30

Friday frustrations.

I just ran into someone in the hall that I met my first few months here in Providence who had got back from taking a year off of medical school. In our polite catching-up chit-chat, he teased me that I hadn't yet moved to a vineyard in California. Instead, I replied that I had since moved out of the city, and yes, am still working in the same position. Here he is one year away from becoming a doctor, and I'm still barely making it by with a desk job. I felt like an asshole.

You see, I am always coming up with new ideas. Either a new place I want to move to (I was serious about moving to a vineyard in California, specifically this place), or a new career move I was thinking about taking. The thing is, I'm dead serious when I'm talking about my plans, but chances are, I'm going to change my mind in a matter of time. I was just talking to a friend of mine today over IM how we're both kind of stuck because we find so many things interesting that's it's difficult to center that energy into one thing and go for it. This has been irritating me for years now.

And today, running into my old friend, it all really hit me hard. I've mentioned I'm tired of voicing my thoughts on actions I want to take here before, but I'm also tired of never sticking with something I at one point deemed as exhilirating and a worthy direction to head. I feel like it's making me seem like I'm all talk. And actually, I'm beginning to realize I just might be. But I'm stuck, I've been stuck for years, nothing feels right to me and I'm scared nothing ever will.

I crave the change and yet don't know what the change is. What if I never know? How can I find motivation to get out of where I'm at if I don't know where to direct it? And why is it people like me spend their entire life searching for what they want to do, when some people seem born with it?


dammit sami said...

Oh, my God, I KNOW. I know, I know, I know.

The worst part for me, is that I know what is holding me back is that I'm scared if I go for something I really want, I'll fail. So to avoid theoretical failue, I don't try. Which is, um, failure. Yeah. It's pathetic.

I guess knowing is half the battle? I'm working on it. But it's balls.

the ill na na said...

Um, yeah, I hear you guys. I feel stuck all the time. Or, I'll decide something, go with it, and then decide that I actually need something else, something more. It's always something more with me. I'm so scared that nothing will ever be enough, you know? We've all accomplished a lot since college, I know none of us feel that way, but we have. We may not be where we always thought we'd be at 26, but we're not totally off track. But what I don't know is why it isn't enough? And I can't figure out why I judge my worth by this weird time frame I apparently have written in stone somewhere.

GangstaKnitta said...

Yeah, it took me a while to get used to the fact that I'm just not going to be a tenure-track professor at the age of 28, or 30 even.
And it IS scary to fail. But when that holds me back, I have to ask myself: would I rather spend the rest of my life where I am right now? At times in my life, I have shuddered to imagine such situations. That's what always motivates me, the Fear of the Rut. I read all the time about people my age doing amazing things. I used to feel like a sack of shit, but then I realized that I, in fact, DO have complete control over my life and I can change it. So now I get inspired by those same stories that used to make me wallow in low self-esteem. As my mom says, it's okay to pull your pity-wagon around for a bit, but then you gotta buck up and get your shit together, or you're never going to reach any of your goals.
Also, what we think are failures are not necessarily so. Grad school for instance (I'm using this example because Ill and I went through it, and Sami's contemplating it). Not getting in doesn't usually mean you're a loser. Grad programs look for specific things every year and it changes every year. They have quotas to fill. I know someone who applied to a program and got rejected and then applied to the same program 2 years later and got full funding! One time I applied to SIX different schools and got rejected at ALL of them. I sat around with my roomie and drank a bottle of wine a day for a week, each of us bathing the other in our tears of rejection (she was going through the same thing). We even posted all our rejection letters on the fridge. Her soon-to-be husband finally ripped them all down and asked us what good we thought we were doing ourselves. Now we're both in programs that we love and that are great starting places for our careers. It took longer than either of us thought, but we made it.
I agree with Ill on the time frame. It seems that people of our generation want to be successful NOW, which is unrealistic. It's good to set goals, but it's also good to be flexible and realistic about time constraints. Sometimes you have to revise your timeline, and that in NO WAY makes anyone a loser.
Don't worry, C, you'll figure it out soon enough and then you'll work until you reach your goal and you'll be happy.