I've been having run-ins with the past as of late, and it's throwing me off a bit. I'm not sure how to process it all, what it is the instances are trying to tell me. For a week now, it's been one after the other. And they haven't been pleasant reminders, they've been emotionally filled and a bit distressing. Many have come in forms of dreams, others in email or voicemail, and only one in person. It's not like it's unusual for me, people coming in and out of my life from my past, but never have they happened all at once and provoked so many thoughts. Perhaps it's because my birthday is coming up, and, like New Year's, it's causing me to think about the previous year and what's to come in the next. In any case, it's making me feel a little uneasy about things, leaving me to wonder where it is I should turn next.
This week has caused surpressed feelings to resurface, feelings that I've purposely learned to ignore for a while now. Feelings that I had once been devoured by, but managed to uncover myself from and push them aside in order to go on with some kind of normalcy. The one somewhat-positive reminder of my past was in a dream I had a few night ago of my friend Tim from childhood. This positivity drips of irony, considering he killed himself a little over 3 years ago, and left me with feelings of negativity and confusion, not optimism and contentment. Whenever he visits me in my subconscious, he is always the Tim that I knew and loved, that I never once felt threatened by, the one who could always make us laugh and feel like a kid again. I broke his heart once we were 8 and he never let me forget it; I would give anything for him to tease me about it one more time. I've had dreams where I've repeatedly asked him why he did it, why he couldn't of just come to one of us for help, but I've never gotten an answer. I'm always waking up just as puzzled as before. I feel unsettled the rest of the day, left with a desire to hide and be alone with my thoughts. I want to erase that moment, erase the last few years of his life so he'll come back. I want to be back that New Year's eve when I last saw him. I just want him to still be alive.
I feel the need to know what these instances are trying to tell me. I pride myself on being able to find a reason for just about anything happening in my life or in others; but this time, I'm a bit stuck. Are they to remind me of who I was, remind me that I need to deal with the feelings they left me with? I feel like there's nothing left to uncover. My thoughts were consumed all too long with them while they were happening, more time spent will feel like a waste of energy. Yet, when I still think about each person, each is linked with remaining feelings of restlessness, feelings that have been left unclosed. I feel guilt or am filled with questions, something that won't allow me to close that part of my life just yet. Or maybe I'm being over-dramatic, like I often am. But even still, something is preventing me from figuring it out.
I hope maybe all this questioning will soon be turned around, maybe these instances are preparing me for something that's coming, something that will finally allow me to feel settled. I hope this is it. I'm ready for my thoughts to be calmed even a little bit, I want these reminders from my past to be welcomed.
This birthday, I'm blowing my candles out with hopefulness running through my head; and the hope that with my breath, the questions will be blown away.
I think this year is going to be different, I've paid my dues. It has to be, I'm not allowing it to be anything else. I'm tired of the bad, and ready for the good. Bring it on, life.