tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-92397682024-03-13T14:05:08.577-04:00Undecidedly Socourtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.comBlogger162125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-87151317856748167672010-08-03T02:37:00.007-04:002010-08-03T02:42:34.323-04:00A new home.If there is anyone left out there, or someone somehow finds this, I thought I'd lead you <a href="http://bodegabliss.wordpress.com/">here</a>. I'm a different person than who I was on these pages....but without these pages, I wouldn't be who I am now.<br /><br />Hope to see you over there.<br /><br />c.courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-36620416905971295902007-08-18T13:02:00.000-04:002007-08-18T13:11:49.610-04:00Man Weekend, Continued.I went out to my car last night and there was porn on the movie screen that had been set up in the field the day before, and 30 men screaming and yelling with a bonfire behind them.<br /><br />I ran back inside and locked the doors. Can I die of too much exposure to testosterone? If it won't be that, it will be of the image I have in my head of the 20-feet-too-much close-up action shot I had the pleasure of viewing.courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-13239517193620009172007-08-17T22:52:00.000-04:002007-08-18T13:17:09.702-04:00Man Weekend.Since the day we moved in, we've been hearing about "Man Weekend." Man Weekend is here, my friends. Imagine about thirty 50-something men drunk and let lose without their wives in sight. A few minutes ago I needed to go outside to my car to get my glasses, and I peaked around the corner and about 8 of them were bouncing on the back of my landlord's truck. Now, they're sawing something. Before that they were nailing on the deck for about an hour. Oh, wait...now they're nailing again.<br /><br />I could escape to Tim's house since he's out of town...but that would require me walking to my car, and who knows what that would subject me to. And I'm a woman that can handle men. But thirty of them, drunk, and my dad's age? I'm not so sure. California is an interesting place... <br /><br />And you know what? Despite Testosterone Weekend, today on my way home was the first time since I've been here that I've genuinely felt ecstatic to be here. In <I>love</I> with California. I've had my moments of happiness, especially with Tim...but this I haven't felt. And he's even out of town.<br /><br />So who's coming here next? If you come soon, there may still be something left to drill.courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-78100233990081008822007-08-08T13:26:00.000-04:002007-08-17T23:21:52.704-04:00Times, They Are a Changin...Again.Well, guys, things are changing in my life. The days of living with my roommate and her doggie are coming to an end. I'm a bit sad about that, but I'm more excited about what is to come...I will be moving in, for the first time ever, with my boyfriend. Yep, that's right. And you know what, I'm strangely not even nervous about it. It just feels like the natural course of things...and that, really, it just seems like the obvious choice. Why wouldn't I want to live with my best friend who just so happens to also be my love? And not only do I get to live with Tim, but we get to live on land that is a little bit of heaven. In exchange for rent, we get to take care of the gardens (he is already the caretaker). And, the best part? We can build a fence and Took can stay outside during the day. Seriously. I'm very excited. I know it's only been 6 months since we've been together, but he's it. He's amazing, thoughtful, fun, sweet, and wonderfully handy (Yes, I'm actually just using him for his carpentry skills and eye for beautiful landscaping). He's the person I had a feeling I'd meet out here, and he's the person I want to share a closet with. Only catch is we'll have an outside shower and toilet for a little while. Um, a compostable toilet, guys. Now, I know I've had my days of hippiness, but I have to say, I'm not psyched about this. But I'll suck it up. And more importantly, share my woes with you guys. Lucky you! You have stinky sewer stories ahead of you! <br /><br />Now the pesky mission of finding a place to stay until then...<br /><br />It feels good to be back, guys. I'll try to keep my end of the bargain, if you keep yours and stick around a little longer, mm-kay?courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-25215241906097358712007-07-30T22:33:00.000-04:002007-08-17T23:24:11.239-04:00Finally.damn him for the inspiration for me to write again. never mind the amazing people i’ve met (and one in particular), the vineyards, my new job, the ocean, the land, causing me to go to my computer....he was right that it’s in the midst of anger and sadness, we produce our greatest work or find our deepest inspiration. i’ve found myself in a dark place the last couple of days, a place that i find myself heading here and there, but fortunately pull myself out at the last minute somehow. but i haven’t been as successful the last couple of days. and when i’m in this place, every bone in my body is telling me to leave. that you’ve tried it. that the pain you feel when you think about your nephew, or any of your family, or even that street you got so tired of, but now would give anything to be on...is enough to pack your bags and go home. <br /><br />it’s a good thing we don’t usually listen to bones.<br /><br />this time, if i were to go home, the hope that has been there for 4 years now, has now vanished with a single email. contact that i once thought would be there for the rest of my life, will no longer be. a love of my life has ended with five little words of well wishing, well wishing laced with anger and sprinkled with betrayal. this week i found out that i had been lied to for a year and a half. robbed of a year and a half of time that i could’ve spent moving on. getting to a place where it would’ve been easy to leave....a place that i wouldn’t have felt a bungee cord of hope holding me to rhode island as i move 3,000 miles away to california. i <i>needed</i> that one last thing to tell me that i was an idiot for believing in a someday. words were not enough for me, but this? this would’ve been enough for me. i would’ve gotten the picture. i would’ve finally hit it into my skull that he wasn’t going to leave. but no, for a reason that he feels was selfless, he kept it from me so not to add to my pain and stress at the time....that during the entire year and a half, he felt it was never the right time to tell me he was planning and creating A FUCKING FAMILY.<br /><br />i don’t believe i have ever felt this way before now. thankfully, until now, i have never been lied to to this extent, nor had to defend why i feel it is a lie (to me, omission on this level, is a lie). sure people have lied to me, and i to them, but not to the point where my heart was on the line for so long, and by someone that i was <i>painfully</i> in love with for way too long. a love that wouldn’t allow me to love any one else. as angry as i am, i know that i’m relieved. that i’m finally free of the burden of loving someone that will never be able to love me back completely. it’s a weight that i’ve carried for far too long. a weight that i didn’t deserve to carry, that no amount of talking myself out of, would let disappear. even as i write these words, i’m feeling lighter by the letter. maybe this was the ending i needed. he’s been here from the beginning, been the feelings either directly or indirectly behind the majority of my posts on this blog. so maybe this is the last step that i needed to take to make it real. <br /><br />i didn’t need this to tell me i made the right decision, to know that i’m where i’m supposed to be. but it sure does help.courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-25720361094817477782007-04-25T14:11:00.000-04:002007-04-25T14:18:42.408-04:00I amalive. I think.<br /><br />These past 3 months haven't been easy. I'm stuck inside my head, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.<br /><br />But needless to say, a post will be coming. Very soon. I promise. Everything seems overwhelming, and I'm working on that not being the case. However, I'd say that requires getting out of my head for a moment or two....and like I said, that hasn't been easy.<br /><br />Will <a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2006/12/ramblings_22.html#comments">you guys</a> accept my apologies? I've missed you, too.<br /><br />Soon...courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1166756848612277402006-12-22T09:40:00.000-05:002006-12-22T09:15:26.096-05:00Ramblings.This is hard. Things are hitting me one by one, relationships are shifting, some ending. I think I'm doing well, but then I look at myself from another view, and I fear I'm just hiding it all in the rush of excitement of what's about to come. I see the people around me changing, or staying the same, but my presense having no effect on it, no part in it. Do I still want to be a part in it? Or is it because I already made a conscious decision, that I hold no weight in any of it? I want this, I feel wholly that it's the right move...but there's a part that I feel hasn't hit me yet. I see so many around me getting what they've wanted, creating the life they've always felt should be theirs, and I'm in the process of doing the same...but the part of me that's scared keeps making my stomach turn, my heart weaken. The disappointments that have occurred over the past few days have tested my strength. The strength is profoundly present, I feel a difference between the me now and the me four years ago...but that same part of me is what wants what I wanted then. And I don't know why, but that's the part of me that is making me uneasy. Maybe because I feel it's the very same part of me that thinks I still won't get it. I'll still end up disappointed in the end. That since I failed at finding it here, I might fail at finding it there. So how do I silence that part of me? That negative part, that part that keeps having to resurface with each heartache, each dead end, each misread? <br /><br />This has been a hard week. Today someone that I, at one time, thought would be the person I would spend my life with, closed the possibility of that ever happening. Flipped the switch. Told me what I had been waiting to hear for 3 years now, something that would finally allow me to stop. hoping. But it's happening right before I leave. 3 weeks before I leave. So which is it? Is it because I'm leaving, or because it's the truth?<br /><br />I think it's the ease at which I'm taking this all that's throwing me off. I haven't broken down since he told me he didn't think he'd ever leave her. Why haven't I broken down? Am I stronger? Or has it just not hit me? And if that's the case, when will it hit?<br /><br />3 weeks feels like 3 decades. This week has felt like a month. These years, have felt like a lifetime. <br /><br />I just hope I'm ready for the next. I think I am. I just need to make it there.courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1166719444573739152006-12-21T11:34:00.000-05:002006-12-21T11:44:04.596-05:00My super powers, revealed.As I'm telling him everything I've wanted to say for the past few years, Earlimart's <em>It's Okay to Think About Ending</em>, is playing on my iTunes shuffle. <br /><br />I think I've figured out how to control my shuffle with my mind...and also? How to finally stop crying.<br /><br />As painful as this all is, as it has been for 3 years of my life, it sort of feels good. <br /><br />It's a start.courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1166647674264520322006-12-20T15:46:00.000-05:002006-12-20T15:47:54.286-05:00I just thought of something:does this whole thing where I finally made up my mind and stuck with a decision, mean I have to change the title of my blog?courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1166622533631693622006-12-20T08:42:00.000-05:002006-12-20T08:48:53.676-05:00I'm done.I'm tired of being second; I'm tired of being disappointed again and again. I can't do this anymore. I'm ready to stop feeling like this day after day. There's only so much I can handle, and I'm at my breaking point. I'm just done.courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1166192680161938902006-12-15T09:19:00.000-05:002006-12-15T09:24:40.176-05:00When I claim sickness simply to have a day off, the next day that I go in, I'm told I don't look good. When I went to see my therapist after 2 weeks had passed and all these great things had happened, she tells me I look so happy. This was two days after the claimed sickness.<br /><br />So which is it? Am I transparent, or do people just see what they want to see? And am I really happy, or just really good at faking it?courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1165954320731550842006-12-12T15:11:00.000-05:002006-12-15T10:21:17.640-05:00I'm almost there.<a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2005/09/friday-frustrations.html" target="new">I’ve been struggling for years now, trying to find a direction to go, a path to take me to the happiness I know is out there</a>. I'm starting to realize it’s not a struggle at all, just simply the time it is taking me to get to that place, and the fact that at some point, I believe I will get there. The sadness has overwhelmed me at times, buried me in self-doubt and unrecognizable pain. I let it take me over...yet, underneath it all, I kept the hope that it wouldn’t last. I’m still dealing with a lot of sadness, but right now I can’t see it as clearly. I’ve finally made decisions. I was the conscious part of the creation of a life I wanted. I cleared the <a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2005/11/little-bitching-with-your-coffee-by.html" target="new">path of brush and debris</a>. I wanted happiness and I am seeking it out, and feel one hundred percent that it’s the correct path...even if I can’t prove it with a solid goal in mind. If I get there and can’t make it through another day and have to turn around and come back, I’ll still be happier because I followed the path I created. The power of self-creation is a beautiful and very real thing. We are blessed with that power, and so few of us use it. The coincidences and situations that keep arising all because I made this decision, could not be more amazing. They are almost boardering on eerie they are so strangely connected to this one choice. It's unbelievably amazing. It is proving every theory that we create our own destinty. For anyone who doubts that, I can now disagree completely. I am blown away. <br /><br />A friend once told me in a letter that he admired the depth of my emotional self, my romanticism. He admired the ability that I have to be hurt, that it was a sign of the person I am, the person that truly believes that we can live uncompromised dreams and can still believe in the storybook endings we wanted when we were young. His words expressed something I had spent years trying to cover, it hadn’t been something recognized by others, shared by others. Even my parents doubted my unexplainable choices; my optimism in something I couldn’t prove would be a wise decision with anything but my intuition that it was right. Or even that it was wrong. My intuition has steered me in directions even I was surprised of, but I trusted…even at times I didn’t want to. Getting people to understand that it is only your gut feeling that you are following is not an easy goal to achieve, especially with people from our parent’s generation…they need stability and back up plans. I usually have neither, and seem to prefer it that way. Just the fact I want nothing less than that storybook ending, is enough for me. <br /><br />He doesn’t realize this, but that letter was a huge part of my conscious turn around. To know that he had faith in me and believed in the way that I viewed my world, it created a spark in me. The foundation was there, but it certainly helped me start the climb out of the hole. It is still continuing, this climb..but I’ll risk the cliché and say I can see the light at the end.<br /><br />R, I’m on my way to that place in life and within myself. I’ll miss you. I’ll miss all of you that have helped me get to this point. But don’t forget, even though I’m leaving here, where I’m going? It will have endless amount of wine. You should really take advantage of that. <a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2006/07/okay.html" target="new">I can’t say it enough.</a>courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1164933501342447722006-11-30T19:18:00.000-05:002006-11-30T19:41:22.223-05:007 weeks, and counting.For the last four years, I've been living in the past. Today I took the first step towards my future, and I have never been more sure about anything else in my life....nor as scared to death about what I am about to do. 5 hours ago I sat in my boss' office, explaining the last few months, with tears on the brink of falling, and she responded with nothing more than happiness for the steps I've chosen to take (even though they were laced with a little disappointment). 5 hours ago, I gave my notice. 5 hours ago, I took my first step towards a path that I've chosen for myself. 5 hours ago, I chose to leave the only life I've known since college. This life has been safe. This life has been mostly unhappy. This life, is finally ready for a new setting. A new setting with lots and lots of wine...<br /><br /><br />That's all I have for now....mainly because I'm freaking the fuck out, and I need to make myself a martini. But once I get done freaking the fuck out and finish the many lists of To-Do, I'll delve further...because there is some delving to do. Four years is suddenly swirling around uncontrollably in my head, and it needs to be delved into.<br /><br />But for now: A martini. And maybe some whiskey. <br /><br />(No, not together. That would just be nasty. I'm not freaking out that much.)<br /><br />(I don't think.)courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1164056664430009742006-11-19T15:40:00.000-05:002006-11-21T09:02:45.536-05:00Happy 2nd Birthday, Undecidedlyso!<a href="http://photobucket.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y96/undecidedlyso/pic125766.gif" border="0" alt="Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting"></a><br /><br />You've come <a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2004/11/i-was-caught.html" target="new">a long way,</a> Undecided! You've even begun <a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2006/07/hey-all.html" target="new">making</a><a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2006/07/okay.html" target="new"> decisions</a>, and more importantly, sticking to them! As this new change approaches, let's take a look back at some of my favorite posts of the last two years, shall we?<br /><br /><hr align="center" noshade><br />There are times that I pretty much think I'm the funniest person alive. Really, I'm probably the only one that laughs. But hey, that's good enough for me:<br /><a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2004/12/civil-war.html" target="new">Civil War</a><br /><a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2004/12/thumper.html" target="new">Thumper</a><br /><a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2005/08/i-may-be-losing-it.html" target="new">I may be losing it.</a><br />And a story I still tell to this day:<br /><a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2005/04/sunday-day-of-love-for-yours-truly-or.html" target="new">Sunday, a day...</a><br /><br /><hr align="center" noshade> <br /><a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2005/01/acceptance.html" target="new">Acceptance</a> This is still something I'm figuring out today, and most likely will be figuring out the rest of my life. Just this weekend, S and I were discussing this very thing. Here's proof when I started to realize it.<br /><br /><hr align="center" noshade><br />The past four years have been the most difficult of my life. I am grateful for the lessons I've taken from it all...but I still struggle to this day. I'm working on making the happiness far outweigh the sadness and frustration...and I'll keep working on it until I get there.<br /><a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2005/09/out-with-25-in-with-good.html" target="new">Out with the 25...</a><br /><a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2005/01/not-so-happy-post.html" target="new">The not-so-happy post.</a><br /><a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2005/02/im-sometimes-fake.html" target="new">I'm sometimes a fake.</a><br /><a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2006/02/in-need-of-repair.html" target="new">In need of repair.</a><br /><a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2006/05/bit-foggy.html" target="new">A bit foggy.</a><br /><a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2006/06/tired.html" target="new">Tired.</a><br /><a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2005_12_01_undecidedlyso_archive.html">Untitled</a><br />And something I'm still feeling: <a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2005/02/matter.html" target="new">Matter</a><br /><br /><hr align="center" noshade><br />The one underlying topic that has remained throughout these two years that I can't seem to escape, has been the Ghost. And, of course, those end up being my favorites. This <a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2005/02/note-to-you.html">one</a>, being the favorite of the favorites. It was relieving to write. Although never shared directly with him, it helps me to re-read it at times that I'm feeling most vulnerable, times when I'm only thinking about <a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2005/04/ghost.html" target="new"> this.</a> He's still in my life. And I still can't figure out how that needs to change. But I know it does. Ever since <a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2005/02/ghosts-of-loves-past.html" target="new"> this moment</a> my life hasn't been the same.<br /><br /><hr align="center" noshade><br />I think the best thing about having a blog is seeing the progression you've made, or haven't made, in the way that you view the world or how you choose to look at things in your life. In the past four years, since I've been in Rhode Island, I've become a totally different person. Despite my negativity at times, and my uncertainty in my future, I'm so happy with the person I've become. I'm <em>proud</em> of the person I've become. And really, I can't ask for much more than that. <br /><br />Out of the last two years, this post is by-far my favorite because it describes the turning point that I had been hoping for, the reason I still feel driven, and the reason I went from <a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2005/09/friday-frustrations.html" target="new">this</a> to <a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2006/07/okay.html" target="new">this.</a>:<br /><br /><a href="http://undecidedlyso.blogspot.com/2006/09/itchy.html" target="new">Itchy.</a><br /><br /><hr align="center" noshade><br />Thanks for reading, guys. I don't necessarily know if anyone reads it besides the three that I DO know...but thank you.courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1163012770484578422006-11-08T13:52:00.000-05:002006-11-08T14:06:10.686-05:00We've gone blue.I have to say, I'm not getting much work done today. I know, that's not really much of a surprise to those who know me well, but I feel like today, it's a bit more justified. On my way to work, I had goosebumps listening to the results of the election on NPR. This cannot mean anything but positive changes to come, and, dare I say, a restored faith in our country? That may be jumping to conclusions, but just the fact that maybe it's a sign most of us really don't believe in Bush, as much as we were convinced of after the 2004 election (ahem...NON-election). I don't know. It just actually made me happy to hear that we elected the first African-American governer in Massachusetts, and that we may just very well have the first woman speaker of the house. I've dabbled with being pro-active in politics, so as much as I'm disappointed and jaded by them, there's a part of me that just gets excited in the midst of elections. And when maybe there's just glimmer of hope that we actually <em>might</em>, just maybe, have even an ounce of power in this country. Okay, I'm not going to get ahead of myself....because then I'm reminded of the idiot in charge when I read things like this:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15620215/" target="new"><em>"Recently, Bush dismissed the possibility that Pelosi [Nancy Pelosi, California] could become speaker of the House, saying in an interview 'That’s not going to happen.'"</em></a> What a jackass. I can't wait to see what happens.courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1162911829132055542006-11-07T09:49:00.000-05:002006-11-07T13:48:09.486-05:00Small snippet.The unhappiness keeps coming in waves. It hits me in the most random of times, like when I'm in the shower before work, where the tears can hide in the water from the shower head...maybe it won't count if I can't feel them falling down my cheeks. I'll have a perfectly great week, then the very next day following energetic and unforced smiles, it's as if I've been hit by a tidal wave. The loneliness that seemed to whisk itself away only hours before, returns as if it just got lost for a little while on the way to this moment, then, oh thank god! it found me! whew! it really thought it was never going to find me again! Then I just want to hide from the world. But for 5 months now, I've been unable to hide. I don't even have a door on my bedroom, the only place I'm alone is in my car, or in the shower. Which, coincidently, is where the tears usually come. I even go out to bars by myself, and instead of wanting to meet people, I go out and am annoyed when people talk to me. This isn't me. I don't know who this person is.<br /><br />Okay, in a random change of topic as, even though it may seem so, I'm not comfortable wallowing in my woes...I went with a friend to Newport on Sunday to pick up a Violin that will be on a somewhat permanent loan. Yep, I'm going to learn how to play the fiddle. I can't wait. This has been something I've been wanting to do for a few years now, and it wasn't until recently that I actually made it happen. I mentally placed it on the top of my "Must Do in My Life" list...and then created it. I figure I'm withdrawing myself from society, I might as well do something productive while I'm in hiding.<br /><br />So stay tuned for the Undecidelyso US Tour. You may want to bring earplugs.courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1160576603876157962006-10-11T09:29:00.000-04:002006-10-11T10:23:24.276-04:00You can just feel my badassness, can't you? Admit it. You wish you could be as badass as me. I know. It's okay.Even at 27, I've found a way to feel like I'm rebelling against my parents. I got my nose pierced for the third time. And let me tell you, the pain does not lesson with each piercing.<br /><br />I took out my previous piercing a couple of months ago because I was tired of it being irritated. And by "took out" I really mean, "had it cut out of my nose and pulled out with pliers." And yes, I got it re-pierced even after that (but the other side). Everytime I looked in the mirror I felt like something was missing. My face was boring me. I've pretty much had it pierced on and off since I was 21. Each not without their own fighting reasons...either to get it done, or to take it out. I can't just do these things, there needs to be a reason behind it. A "my life is changing in one way or another and I need something to be a symbol of that overly-dramatic reaction to the change" piercing.<br /><br />But back to the rebelling....As of 3 days ago, BOTH my parents moved in with me.* 3 months ago, my dad moved in to start his new job while my mom stayed in Maine to try and sell the house. It has been a difficult 3 months. I like my private time. I like my space. I've lived in an entire house by myself for 2 years...to have your dad, and later your mom, move in with you is not an easy adjustment. It's one thing to move back in with your parents, but to have your parents move in with you? NOT THE SAME THING. So silently I've been raging a little bit. My insides were freaking out with each night that goes by without my usual nightly down time. My house was a mess, my bathroom disgusting (seriously, how am I ever going to live with a man? They are DIRT-Y!), the dishes were piled up, and my spot on the couch was taken over. I was moody and easily irritated...and the saddness and loneliness I've been suffering through the past few months/years, was multiplied by a gazillion. I was frustrated with feelings of selfishness. And it only got worse this weekend when my mom moved in. <br /><br />So Monday night I all of a sudden the feeling that I needed to get it done hightened, and it needed to happen then. I recruited my friend Sanne to come with, and I went last night and got it done. Immediately, I felt better. On my drive home I was trying to figure out why it was I felt the urge to get it done so immediately. And then it came to me: I have no control over my one safehaven in life, my home. To have absolutely no control over my living situation is a tough one for me. And I know my parent's are not psyched about the nose ring. So the re-piercing was my way of rebelling. At 27. I wasn't much of a rebel growing up, so these small little victories of defiance are as close as I get. Now get me a sword and a horse, and I'll be on my way.<br /><br />-----------<br /><br />* Two years ago, my sister and brother-n-law started building a house next to mine and across the street from theirs. Along with this plan came the one where my mom would take care of my nephew and both parents would move into the house where my sister and b-n-l currently reside. But when do things work out as planned? The house has taken an insane amount of time to be finished, and since they are not in it yet, my parents have to live with me until my sister and b-n-l can move into the new house.<br /><br />Aren't I lucky?courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1160081366416753532006-10-05T16:45:00.000-04:002006-10-05T16:49:26.436-04:00I have never done this, but I can't resist. This is seriously the funniest clip I have seen in a while. Whose Line Is It Anyway is a favorite of mine and my favorite Yankee-turned-Southerner Sara...so this goes out to her.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/xCHw2dVgK68"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/xCHw2dVgK68" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1159907003230427682006-10-03T16:19:00.000-04:002006-10-05T14:36:32.400-04:00Packing.I'm in Maine, ya'll. Packing up the house. It's a lot more sad than I thought it would be. Fortunately, my childhood best friend and her husband bought it. But it's going to be hard to leave tomorrow.<br /><br />On another note: I finally bought myself a new camera. Wahoo! So here are some pics. I'll be back soon...much to catch you up on.<br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y96/undecidedlyso/mcseagulls.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting"></a><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y96/undecidedlyso/took_op.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting"></a><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y96/undecidedlyso/op1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting"></a><br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y96/undecidedlyso/me_mirror.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting"></a>courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1158171214276920862006-09-13T13:33:00.000-04:002006-09-13T14:13:34.360-04:00itchy.the last four years have been building up to these recent months of boiling unsettlement. it seems like every day has just added onto the next, causing layers and layers of a skin i no longer recognize. with the people i have met, the things i have done or discovered...each component feels like a new pair of jeans: almost right, but still something making it completely wrong. i don't know the person i have become because i'm in the middle of becoming. i'm waiting to shed my skin, and the skin can't be shed here. i've spent these years searching; searching for a piece of who i am to become, of who the person is that i will settle into...but i'm left searching. everyday that i find myself still trying is a day i get closer to no longer putting forth the effort. this has been four years of searching for a connection, for a connection of some kind that would allow myself to be. to be whole. even for a moment. recently an individual tapped into the part of me that i've had hidden since i left north carolina, tapped into a part of me that i forgot was there....the part the craves a connection on a whole level, not one that just satisifies a certain component or fits into an ideal that i thought was my future. what he tapped into awoke a person that was excited again, excited to explore and create. discover. the person that over four years has slowly covered herself day after day by creating who she thinks she should be, not who she knows she could be. <br /><br />i'm tired of reaching out, of seeking, of searching here. i'm seeking a closeness in any form. a closeness that allows me to be me. a closeness that i've only found in a few....a familarity that has mostly come before my move back north, and has only appeared fleetingly here. i feel myself giving up on what i've known these past years. the people i see no longer evoke in me what i seek to be brought out. i'm not challenged. i no longer recognize the person that i once knew so well...at least not in the company of others. even what i choose to put in my mouth no longer tastes pleasant. the clothes i wear no longer feel familiar. the voice i hear is no longer mine.<br /><br />i feel the me waiting to emerge inside. but i also feel that same part of me hiding until i change something. something big. there seems to no longer be a motivation left to uncover what is beneath these layers. when even a fraction of it is exposed, it's distorted and unfamiliar. it comes out in words i don't recognize as my own, thoughts that are voiced that don't seem to be coming from inside me. i'm as awkward as a teenage boy who's afraid to talk out of fear his voice will crack...except the voice cracking is every movement i seem to be making. <br /><br />--------<br /><br />i don't want to keep shutting people out. it feels horrible and selfish. it tears at my insides. the people in my surrounding life are kind and genuine and amazing in their own way...i just can't keep trying to be someone i no longer feel is present. words can not express how excited i am about the coming year. i've always felt 27 would be one of my best years, and i'm captivated and consumed by thoughts of what's to come...and most importantly...who's to come; who's under those layers. <br /><br /><br />my skin is itching in joyous anticipation. <br /><br />my voice is ready to finally. stop. cracking.courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1156275220696216052006-08-22T15:31:00.000-04:002006-08-22T15:33:40.740-04:00<a href="http://www.ihatecilantro.com/" target="new">Finally, I know I'm not alone in this world.</a>courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1155218107907870172006-08-10T09:26:00.000-04:002006-08-10T10:19:18.776-04:0010 THINGS I AM REALLY FUCKING TIRED OF DEFENDING.1. What I decide to eat, or not eat.<br /><br />2. Wanting to move out of this state for a little while so I can have a chance at happiness.<br /><br />3. Wanting to go home and not stay to have a drink when I'm tired from working a 17 hour day. <br /><br />4. Not wanting to go out to a bar filled with striped-shirted, short-haired single men when I work in one. <br /><br />5. Who I date and why I'm okay with the fact that they're different from you*. That's in fact <strong>WHY</strong> I like them. <br /><br />6. The reason I'm still not married/engaged/ already-living-in-a- house-with-a-white-picket-fence-and-2.5 kids...and okay with it.<br /><br />7. Why I'm still at this job, even though I hate it.<br /><br />8. Why I like living 20 minutes from town...and why it's ridiculous you won't drive out there.<br /><br />9. Why I haven't gotten a chance to call you back after your 10,000 calls or return your gazillion-and-one text messages asking why you haven't heard from me.<br /><br />and finally...<br /><br />10. Why I'm apparently cranky as hell most of the time lately. I have no idea why. Well, okay, that's a lie, I kinda do...but do I need to explain it?<br /><br />------------<br /><br />*The "you" varies throughout the post. And most likely, if you're reading this, you're not the "you" I'm referring to...these "yous**" don't know about my site.<br /><br />** In Rhode Island, the word "yous" is actually used. A lot. Like, all the time. I thought it wasn't true until I dated someone more Rhode Island than quahogs and his grandmother used it every other word. For those of you not familiar with this expression, it is commonly used in the same way "ya'll" is used. For example: "Are yous all coming to dinner?" Try it. Especially you southerners. You might know what I feel like everytime I say ya'll up here.courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1154614326257018292006-08-03T10:05:00.000-04:002006-08-03T10:47:46.556-04:00It's the end of the world as we know it...and I've got lime.<a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y96/undecidedlyso/080206_1809a.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting"></a><br /><br />The world was about to end, and the last person who had spoken to me was the machine lady at the self-checkout. But at least I would've had plenty of sugar and limes with me...it's a shame they don't sell tequila at the grocery store in Rhode Island, or I would've already made myself a cocktail the second I saw this coming.courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1154373579846542572006-07-31T15:15:00.000-04:002006-07-31T15:19:39.870-04:00Okay.Well, will this hold you over until I finish it? <br /><br />My decided upon future:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.sebastopol.org/" target="new">http://www.sebastopol.org/</a><br /><br />I know, I know...it's not Atlanta. But I can totally make it up to you by offering you a place to stay with one fabulously cool chick in WINE COUNTRY. Where there's lots of wine. And they happen to make wine there. And you can drink lots and lots of wine. For free at most places. Did I mention the wine?courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9239768.post-1154095111741991072006-07-28T09:58:00.000-04:002006-07-28T09:58:31.780-04:00Yeah...I guess I shouldn't have lied like that, huh?courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12949801707848498663noreply@blogger.com1