I'm sitting here trying to figure out which words that are in my head want to come out through my fingers and onto the screen. There are too many swirling around. The last 36 hours has been exhausting. I've been searching for answers that I know are not there, searching for a reason why this had to happen...even though I'm aware that that answer will never be found. In a life where I constantly search for reasons why something is the way it is, there have been too many times in the last few years where I've had to accept that a reason will never be known. I can feel my heartbreaking with every tear that falls from his eyes, with every smile I see on her face in my thoughts, with every question still left unanswered. I want to believe so badly that the words I hear myself saying are true, but this is the first time in 36 hours that I haven't been trying to be strong for someone that needs it so badly right now...and my thoughts are turning darker as the familiar unsettlement returns.
Yet, I find myself in the face of the capacity of the human heart and I'm able to find some solace in the compassion that exposes itself so raw during a time like this...the capacity it has to reach out to another in pain; the ability it holds to drain hard emotion simultaneously with another experiencing similar tearing; the desire it has to do anything it can to make someone else's pain cease...even if it's only for a few hours of rest. This undeniable ability we hold in just a few words or movements toward another in pain is sometimes all the answers we need, if just for a moment. It somehow makes the pain of unanswered questions, bearable.
I'll try to stop searching for answers, and start creating the reasons why I'm still left breathing.
I'll do that for you. For all of you.
I'll do that for me.