Wednesday, December 22


I have big teeth. I mean, not so big that you would notice if you looked at me. They don't overbite nor are they bucked. They're just big. They get food stuck in them all the time. If I'm not careful, I'll walk around all day with a piece of lettuce or mushroom or rice from lunch stuck right there between my teeth for all to see. If I'm lucky, my friend will tell me that it's there. But she can't walk around with me on Tooth Patrol 24-hours a day. No, that would be absurd. I mean, a girl's got to sleep.

My job is not ideal for such a big-toothed woman such as I. I often eat at my desk, and the food is more likely than not going to consist of food of the green-leafed variety. I need to stop doing this. Students, professors, or parent's undoubtably come in and talk to me while I'm eating. Just a second ago I was smiling brightly at two women asking me a question. As they walk away, I feel a piece of lettuce the size of South America sliding innocently off of my front tooth, as if it were actually WAITING for them to leave to remove it's self.

Lettuces everywhere are joining together to fight against the crime that is Clean Teeth. The world is cruel.

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