Friday, February 18


Every day, I walk up the street to spend some money frivolously in a shop or food place of the sorts. Usually, the thoughts are very scattered and directed towards the people that pass by. Today, instead of noticing anyone who passed, I was lost in a realization. I stopped in a nearby restaurant to chat with a friend. Yet, by "chat" I mean, me stand there trying to talk about things, but only hearing words come out of his mouth, and none out of mine.

As I left and neared my office, I finally realized what has been bothering me the last few weeks. In case you haven't noticed, I've been rather down about things and my tone hasn't exactly been the uplifting voice I know I have somewhere. It's been bothering me, I don't like to be unhappy or introverted; but I have not been able to control it as of late. So I've been obsessing on what the reason could possibly be. I've been blaming it on physical reasons, medication, feeling stuck..but it turns out it's none of those. Lately, I've been surrounded by very self-absorbed individuals. People I try to talk to, even my "boyfriend," aren't listening, they are simply talking. And, you know, it's not even listening that I need, it's mattering to someone that I'm desiring. It seems as if I am simply someone who will listen. Although a trait I am proud of, I feel like sometimes I need more of a role than just a listener. My friend brought up the question, "But do you matter to you?" I thought for a moment...yes, I do matter to me, all the more reason why I feel like I should matter to someone else. I'm tired of not mattering. It appears I am playing roles in a number of lives. But the role I am not sure of. A back-up plan if all is lost? A side love? Someone there in case another doesn't work? I don't want to play these roles anymore. They are tiring and mind-numbing. They make me feel smaller than I am. I deserve to matter. And to someone other than my parents and friends. Although important and thankful for, it's seemingly not enough to complete the void I feel is present. I can only fill it with self-awareness only so much.

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