Friday, February 11

I'm blaming it all on peer-pressure.

There are times that I am fully conscious that I lack a talent that is recognizable by others. Not just conscious, feel really horrible and down about it. I try to tell myself that it's alright because I have plenty of little somewhat-talents, like, I'm ok at a bunch of stuff. But I am not great at anything. I have so many talented friends, wonderful artistic creative friends, and I admire their greatnesses unconditionally. Yet I can't help but feel like a lesser person because of it. I hate that I feel this way, it seems so silly, but sometimes you can't help these things.

When I was younger, my parents enrolled me into dance lessons like every parent probably does. I loved it, I was a ballerina and could dance until my feet fell off. I felt like this was really me, I love the attention of dancing in front of people, their eyes focused on me. In Junior High, friends started playing basketball and field hockey. I wanted to be with my friends, none of them were dancing. I tried doing both for as long as possible, but basketball won out in the end because it was the cool thing to do (peer-pressure is EVIL). I managed to play varsity freshman year of high school, but still didn't feel like I stood out. (It could be that I was 5'7" and the Center. Yes, the Center.) In college, I started rock climbing sophomore year, and loved it. Everyday I was out there, it was challenging yet rewarding enough to keep going. Except a month or two into it, I was still attempting the same holds while people were climbing over and around me. I got to a standstill and didn't seem to be doing any further. I still did it, and still do from time to time, but I realized I don't have enough focus and free time and money to become really great. Excuses, perhaps. But when you feel the love and desire disappearing, was it really there to begin with? I wonder. Since college, I've taken upon many endeavors, hoping one I will eventually become great at. Cooking I feel I'm pretty good at, and I love to do it. But cooking becomes sad and wasteful when you cook only for yourself. I've done some web design, but compared to people trained in the area, my work is embarrasingly amateur. When people ask to see my work, I make up excuses not to show them. A few months ago I discovered an interest in making jewelry. Yet when I see jewelry in stores or galleries, I feel silly for even thinking mine have a chance. I've thought about writing a novel, but realized I'd have to have an idea for one first, and that seems to be difficult to come upon when it seems everything has been written about.

Ok, perhaps this seems a bit like I'm just feeling sorry for myself. And maybe I am. I'm not above that, as long as it doesn't last more than a few hours or days. It's more like self-deprecating thoughts. I feel like I've taken active steps to find a talent, to find something I can both love and be great at. It would be different if I sat around moping about being useless while I sat in front of the T.V., just expecting a talent to find me. (Although, there seem to be many people who have this happen to them. Perhaps this should be my next approach?) I'm not even sure it's about talents, it's more about lack of passion for something that I can call my own, passion for something that makes me who I am, something that makes people say, "Oh, she's incredible at (something incredible)!"

Feeling like you're a good person with a kind heart can only take you so far. I'm happy with who I am, but just feel like I'm lacking. I realize I should just accept that perhaps I have yet to find it. But what do I do when the thought that what if I never find it, creeps in? It's an unhappy thought. And sometimes I can't shake it. I hate feeling like I'm worth less than another, because that's not possible. We're all humans. Despite greatness and accomplishments and passions, it all boils down to be human. Naked and expressionless, we're all distorted mirrors of one another. But it's what makes us shine that we pay attention to.

Surely something will make me shine one of these days. In the meantime, I guess I'll keep searching until I find it. And if I don't, I'll just keep bitching to you folks. That is why we have these things after all, right?


dammit sami said...

Dude, I totally feel that way all the time. It is really frustrating to feel as though you're never quite THERE, wherever "there" is. I also happen to be an exceptionaly impatient person, so if I can't completely kick ass at something after the first few tries, I tend to give up. Not surprisingly, I am master of very few domains. (Perhaps extracting the words "dude" and "totally" from my daily usage will put me on the path towards self-actualizaton. Eh.)
If it makes you feel any better, I think you totally rule at writing blogs. And taking phone pictures. And possessing great hair, a hot ass, and a complexion to die for. You can't practice for that shit!

Carmen said...

Hi, just read the blog and couldn't help but wonder...What happened to the dancing? Carmen

Undecided said...

Aw, dammit sami, you just made my day. I think this means you have to be my valentine, it being the awful holiday today. Thanks for what you said, and it's good to know I'm not the only one feeling this way.

And Carmen, I've tried a few times since then to pick it back up, but it's hard after your body has become used to the not-so-graceful action of sports, to train your body back to dancing. I still think about doing it. I just might.