Monday, June 12

Tired.

I'm getting tired of talking. Tired of confessing I have no idea what my plans are for the future. Tired of backing up my single status, my refusal to settle just so I can have a boyfriend and later husband. I'm tired of telling people what idea I'm onto next, only to change it the next week, or even day. I'm just tired. It's not that I don't want to share my thoughts with the people I love more than anything...but indecision and lack of direction is exhausting, even without voicing it. I'm even tired of thinking. Not being able to choose, to take action, is more than just frustrating to those in my life with unending declarations of where I might go...it's just plain tiring.

Last night as I was lying in bed, the first time I had been silent and alone in 3 days, and I actually thought about going somewhere for a week where I wouldn't have to talk. The only words I would speak would be to my dog. My cell phone would be shut off. The computer would be no where near me. I wonder if then I might find some clarity. To be forced to not share my inner thoughts, my ideas, my daily change of direction, maybe then I'll remember who I really am and what it is I want to do.

I'm just tired. I don't feel like talking about heavy, life-altering decisions anymore.

I just want the silence to make a decision for me, but I can't find the silence.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Life doesn't always have answers and you don't have to be searching all the time. There is something to be said for taking time to gather yourself with a little peace and quiet. You figure it seems to work for the Dali Lama so it couldn't hurt. Just remember that whatever you need is in you and you will find it when you least expect it. I'm sure whatever you decide you will do just fine. Take care.

the ill na na said...

Man, I totally know exactly what you're talking about. I think that's a great idea, let the silence figure it out. Or, you can always just pick something and do it and if you want to do something else, then do that instead. But I know that approach creates the sort of fatigue you speak of. Really you should just move to the ATL. Love you!