Acceptance.

Every year acceptance has become more of a essential skill in my life. Acceptance for many things; but above all, acceptance in the shifting of friendships you once found to be almost closer to you than your own inner dialogue. This has been the single most difficult aspect of my post-college years. Moving from the life I had known for so many years to move back to the world I grew up in forced me to be more creative in keeping those physical ties active. I no longer had my friends within minutes away, some seconds away, some hours away. We learn to continue the friendship by only voice, and more often than not, this proves successful. I have dear friends, friends that a girl like me couldn't be happier to have in my life. I have been blessed; not a moment goes by that I am not aware of this and embrace it whole-heartedly. Yet, along with this embrace, comes the acceptance that it may not be like that forever. Friendships that once existed as a foundation for my life at the time, slowly take on a different form. The phone calls become fewer and fewer; the existance in one another's life becomes less and less pronounced with every day that passes without words exchanged. At first, you acknowledge the fact that you simply don't have time, that you will soon catch up. But then more and more time passes, time that it would take forever to catch up on. You start attempting to get in contact, knowing this is just a circumstantial issue that can be remedied by the opportunity to converse. Only the opportunities stop presenting themselves, lives head in separate directions and each half of the equation becomes less and less a necessity for the other. Someone you once relied on as your supplemental thought process when yours wasn't working correctly, is no longer there. The first act of acceptance in this is realizing it has nothing to do with either party. No blame can be placed; no one is at fault. You've found other supplements for that crutch you once needed; not replacements, but supplements. When I was younger I would try everything possible to not lose a friendship I had shared. In fact, up until a few years ago I was still struggling to keep friendships afloat when there was nothing except my attempted phone calls, emails, letters, keeping them tied. There are those friendships that exist simply because of time. Time based on the years of active friendship, most often a childhood friend that does not require constant interaction. Months, someimes years, will go by without a word, but somehow you pick up right where you left off. The friendships that require acceptance when fading, have time working against them. You can not help but feel sad for the loss. But the saddness comes from thinking something went wrong, that something could have prevented it. This is where you learn that it is just time that has passed. Not only the friend has changed, but you are no longer the same person you were when the friendship was at it's strongest. You slowly start to accept that this is ok. You learn that not accepting it is not allowing you to completely be thankful for what you shared. Although it's not easy, and you can't help but mourn the loss, but you accept that It's ok to have friendships slowly dissolve. The acceptance is easier when you realize that it might not be permanent. It doesn't have to be. If it ends up as such, you can take solace in knowing just how lucky you were to have had that friendship when you most needed it, and you wouldn't trade that for the world. I believe that certain friendships, even if they disappear, may come back when you need them the most. That the time that was lost is no longer apparent, the fact you know nothing of one another's lives, no longer matters. You feel the part of you that was missing come back. Although you are happy to be whole again, you were ok with it being gone, and fortunately cannot help but feel blessed it has come back into your life again when you needed it.

This is what I have been struggling with, but finally feel with a little practice, I'm figuring it out. It hasn't been easy, though. I think overall I've just gotten better at talking myself out of feeling a certain way. The stubbornness I used to experience when part of me was tackling another more realistic part, has dissipated some.