Tuesday, January 4

When my indecisiveness drives me nutty.

I've been a slacker, I know. All 3 people that read my blog have told me so. I apologize, 3 devotees. I'm back.

Over the past two weeks I've had ample time to spend with my new "friend," which translates roughly to, "more time to freak-out and overthink every single possible thing." I'm a nut. When I have something amazing and wondering and exciting, I tend to feel my insides slightly beginning to bubble. Even if I realize it, if I know this is what I've always wanted for myself, I'm quickly reminded of all the dreadful relationships in the past. I can't stop comparing. He's winning out by far in the comparisons, and yet I'm still over-analyzing and thinking it can't be real. Then soon I will start to feel the suffocation, that I'll be faced with the constants thoughts of whether or not I should stick it out when there's a chance it won't be the real deal. I start justifying everything, even when there's no need. I can shift blame to the guy, I've spent my entire life doing that. But I think I'm beginning to realize that it is me. I have issues. Blech.

Then he does things like sticking his arm down my toilet trying to fix it without me even asking. And not in the back, but down the bowl. (The funny part of that is I actually found him sexy while being engulfed by my toilet water.) This is when I don't ever want to let him go. I start to figure out ways to keep him around. Not because I need someone to fix my toilet because I'm a helpless and can't do it for myself, but because I realize just how lucky I am to have found someone who will do that for you without even thinking. (Although, I think he did it more for himself. He actually felt defeated when he couldn't fix it. And for the record, even though I think of myself as a strong independent woman, sticking my arm down my toilet is most likely something I would not do. Would you?)

We drove to Connecticut for the day over the Holidays and actually had conversations the entire time in the car. Did you know you were supposed to talk in a relationship? I didn't. My last one we were silent for hours in the car. I could actually hear my insides crawling with every second that passed without a word. When we did speak, it was painful. We had nothing in common. (Why oh WHY was I with him for 7 MONTHS?!) I love to talk. I'm the happiest when I'm talking and even happier when I'm listening to someone else talk. When we talk, I don't want to stop. With every idea, every thought he shares, I want more of him. The critical voices get silenced, even if for a moment. I know eventually they will stop all together. That's when I will know it's real. The more time I spend with him, the less and less profound they are.

I wonder if this is how it's supposed to be. Maybe it's how it's supposed to be for me. Instead of saying I just knew he was the one when he did that or said this, I will say, "I knew he was the one when the criticism stopped and I started enjoying." Whether it's this guy or a next one, that might just be my way of finding out. I'll take the challenge. Bring it on.

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