I'm done.

I'm tired of being second; I'm tired of being disappointed again and again. I can't do this anymore. I'm ready to stop feeling like this day after day. There's only so much I can handle, and I'm at my breaking point. I'm just done.

When I claim sickness simply to have a day off, the next day that I go in, I'm told I don't look good. When I went to see my therapist after 2 weeks had passed and all these great things had happened, she tells me I look so happy. This was two days after the claimed sickness.

So which is it? Am I transparent, or do people just see what they want to see? And am I really happy, or just really good at faking it?

I'm almost there.

I’ve been struggling for years now, trying to find a direction to go, a path to take me to the happiness I know is out there. I'm starting to realize it’s not a struggle at all, just simply the time it is taking me to get to that place, and the fact that at some point, I believe I will get there. The sadness has overwhelmed me at times, buried me in self-doubt and unrecognizable pain. I let it take me over...yet, underneath it all, I kept the hope that it wouldn’t last. I’m still dealing with a lot of sadness, but right now I can’t see it as clearly. I’ve finally made decisions. I was the conscious part of the creation of a life I wanted. I cleared the path of brush and debris. I wanted happiness and I am seeking it out, and feel one hundred percent that it’s the correct path...even if I can’t prove it with a solid goal in mind. If I get there and can’t make it through another day and have to turn around and come back, I’ll still be happier because I followed the path I created. The power of self-creation is a beautiful and very real thing. We are blessed with that power, and so few of us use it. The coincidences and situations that keep arising all because I made this decision, could not be more amazing. They are almost boardering on eerie they are so strangely connected to this one choice. It's unbelievably amazing. It is proving every theory that we create our own destinty. For anyone who doubts that, I can now disagree completely. I am blown away.

A friend once told me in a letter that he admired the depth of my emotional self, my romanticism. He admired the ability that I have to be hurt, that it was a sign of the person I am, the person that truly believes that we can live uncompromised dreams and can still believe in the storybook endings we wanted when we were young. His words expressed something I had spent years trying to cover, it hadn’t been something recognized by others, shared by others. Even my parents doubted my unexplainable choices; my optimism in something I couldn’t prove would be a wise decision with anything but my intuition that it was right. Or even that it was wrong. My intuition has steered me in directions even I was surprised of, but I trusted…even at times I didn’t want to. Getting people to understand that it is only your gut feeling that you are following is not an easy goal to achieve, especially with people from our parent’s generation…they need stability and back up plans. I usually have neither, and seem to prefer it that way. Just the fact I want nothing less than that storybook ending, is enough for me.

He doesn’t realize this, but that letter was a huge part of my conscious turn around. To know that he had faith in me and believed in the way that I viewed my world, it created a spark in me. The foundation was there, but it certainly helped me start the climb out of the hole. It is still continuing, this climb..but I’ll risk the cliché and say I can see the light at the end.

R, I’m on my way to that place in life and within myself. I’ll miss you. I’ll miss all of you that have helped me get to this point. But don’t forget, even though I’m leaving here, where I’m going? It will have endless amount of wine. You should really take advantage of that. I can’t say it enough.

7 weeks, and counting.

For the last four years, I've been living in the past. Today I took the first step towards my future, and I have never been more sure about anything else in my life....nor as scared to death about what I am about to do. 5 hours ago I sat in my boss' office, explaining the last few months, with tears on the brink of falling, and she responded with nothing more than happiness for the steps I've chosen to take (even though they were laced with a little disappointment). 5 hours ago, I gave my notice. 5 hours ago, I took my first step towards a path that I've chosen for myself. 5 hours ago, I chose to leave the only life I've known since college. This life has been safe. This life has been mostly unhappy. This life, is finally ready for a new setting. A new setting with lots and lots of wine...


That's all I have for now....mainly because I'm freaking the fuck out, and I need to make myself a martini. But once I get done freaking the fuck out and finish the many lists of To-Do, I'll delve further...because there is some delving to do. Four years is suddenly swirling around uncontrollably in my head, and it needs to be delved into.

But for now: A martini. And maybe some whiskey.

(No, not together. That would just be nasty. I'm not freaking out that much.)

(I don't think.)

Happy 2nd Birthday, Undecidedlyso!

You've come a long way, Undecided! You've even begun making decisions, and more importantly, sticking to them! As this new change approaches, let's take a look back at some of my favorite posts of the last two years, shall we?

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There are times that I pretty much think I'm the funniest person alive. Really, I'm probably the only one that laughs. But hey, that's good enough for me:
Civil War
Thumper
I may be losing it.
And a story I still tell to this day:
Sunday, a day...

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Acceptance This is still something I'm figuring out today, and most likely will be figuring out the rest of my life. Just this weekend, S and I were discussing this very thing. Here's proof when I started to realize it.

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The past four years have been the most difficult of my life. I am grateful for the lessons I've taken from it all...but I still struggle to this day. I'm working on making the happiness far outweigh the sadness and frustration...and I'll keep working on it until I get there.
Out with the 25...
The not-so-happy post.
I'm sometimes a fake.
In need of repair.
A bit foggy.
Tired.
Untitled
And something I'm still feeling: Matter

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The one underlying topic that has remained throughout these two years that I can't seem to escape, has been the Ghost. And, of course, those end up being my favorites. This one, being the favorite of the favorites. It was relieving to write. Although never shared directly with him, it helps me to re-read it at times that I'm feeling most vulnerable, times when I'm only thinking about this. He's still in my life. And I still can't figure out how that needs to change. But I know it does. Ever since this moment my life hasn't been the same.

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I think the best thing about having a blog is seeing the progression you've made, or haven't made, in the way that you view the world or how you choose to look at things in your life. In the past four years, since I've been in Rhode Island, I've become a totally different person. Despite my negativity at times, and my uncertainty in my future, I'm so happy with the person I've become. I'm proud of the person I've become. And really, I can't ask for much more than that.

Out of the last two years, this post is by-far my favorite because it describes the turning point that I had been hoping for, the reason I still feel driven, and the reason I went from this to this.:

Itchy.

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Thanks for reading, guys. I don't necessarily know if anyone reads it besides the three that I DO know...but thank you.

We've gone blue.

I have to say, I'm not getting much work done today. I know, that's not really much of a surprise to those who know me well, but I feel like today, it's a bit more justified. On my way to work, I had goosebumps listening to the results of the election on NPR. This cannot mean anything but positive changes to come, and, dare I say, a restored faith in our country? That may be jumping to conclusions, but just the fact that maybe it's a sign most of us really don't believe in Bush, as much as we were convinced of after the 2004 election (ahem...NON-election). I don't know. It just actually made me happy to hear that we elected the first African-American governer in Massachusetts, and that we may just very well have the first woman speaker of the house. I've dabbled with being pro-active in politics, so as much as I'm disappointed and jaded by them, there's a part of me that just gets excited in the midst of elections. And when maybe there's just glimmer of hope that we actually might, just maybe, have even an ounce of power in this country. Okay, I'm not going to get ahead of myself....because then I'm reminded of the idiot in charge when I read things like this:

"Recently, Bush dismissed the possibility that Pelosi [Nancy Pelosi, California] could become speaker of the House, saying in an interview 'That’s not going to happen.'" What a jackass. I can't wait to see what happens.

Small snippet.

The unhappiness keeps coming in waves. It hits me in the most random of times, like when I'm in the shower before work, where the tears can hide in the water from the shower head...maybe it won't count if I can't feel them falling down my cheeks. I'll have a perfectly great week, then the very next day following energetic and unforced smiles, it's as if I've been hit by a tidal wave. The loneliness that seemed to whisk itself away only hours before, returns as if it just got lost for a little while on the way to this moment, then, oh thank god! it found me! whew! it really thought it was never going to find me again! Then I just want to hide from the world. But for 5 months now, I've been unable to hide. I don't even have a door on my bedroom, the only place I'm alone is in my car, or in the shower. Which, coincidently, is where the tears usually come. I even go out to bars by myself, and instead of wanting to meet people, I go out and am annoyed when people talk to me. This isn't me. I don't know who this person is.

Okay, in a random change of topic as, even though it may seem so, I'm not comfortable wallowing in my woes...I went with a friend to Newport on Sunday to pick up a Violin that will be on a somewhat permanent loan. Yep, I'm going to learn how to play the fiddle. I can't wait. This has been something I've been wanting to do for a few years now, and it wasn't until recently that I actually made it happen. I mentally placed it on the top of my "Must Do in My Life" list...and then created it. I figure I'm withdrawing myself from society, I might as well do something productive while I'm in hiding.

So stay tuned for the Undecidelyso US Tour. You may want to bring earplugs.

You can just feel my badassness, can't you? Admit it. You wish you could be as badass as me. I know. It's okay.

Even at 27, I've found a way to feel like I'm rebelling against my parents. I got my nose pierced for the third time. And let me tell you, the pain does not lesson with each piercing.

I took out my previous piercing a couple of months ago because I was tired of it being irritated. And by "took out" I really mean, "had it cut out of my nose and pulled out with pliers." And yes, I got it re-pierced even after that (but the other side). Everytime I looked in the mirror I felt like something was missing. My face was boring me. I've pretty much had it pierced on and off since I was 21. Each not without their own fighting reasons...either to get it done, or to take it out. I can't just do these things, there needs to be a reason behind it. A "my life is changing in one way or another and I need something to be a symbol of that overly-dramatic reaction to the change" piercing.

But back to the rebelling....As of 3 days ago, BOTH my parents moved in with me.* 3 months ago, my dad moved in to start his new job while my mom stayed in Maine to try and sell the house. It has been a difficult 3 months. I like my private time. I like my space. I've lived in an entire house by myself for 2 years...to have your dad, and later your mom, move in with you is not an easy adjustment. It's one thing to move back in with your parents, but to have your parents move in with you? NOT THE SAME THING. So silently I've been raging a little bit. My insides were freaking out with each night that goes by without my usual nightly down time. My house was a mess, my bathroom disgusting (seriously, how am I ever going to live with a man? They are DIRT-Y!), the dishes were piled up, and my spot on the couch was taken over. I was moody and easily irritated...and the saddness and loneliness I've been suffering through the past few months/years, was multiplied by a gazillion. I was frustrated with feelings of selfishness. And it only got worse this weekend when my mom moved in.

So Monday night I all of a sudden the feeling that I needed to get it done hightened, and it needed to happen then. I recruited my friend Sanne to come with, and I went last night and got it done. Immediately, I felt better. On my drive home I was trying to figure out why it was I felt the urge to get it done so immediately. And then it came to me: I have no control over my one safehaven in life, my home. To have absolutely no control over my living situation is a tough one for me. And I know my parent's are not psyched about the nose ring. So the re-piercing was my way of rebelling. At 27. I wasn't much of a rebel growing up, so these small little victories of defiance are as close as I get. Now get me a sword and a horse, and I'll be on my way.

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* Two years ago, my sister and brother-n-law started building a house next to mine and across the street from theirs. Along with this plan came the one where my mom would take care of my nephew and both parents would move into the house where my sister and b-n-l currently reside. But when do things work out as planned? The house has taken an insane amount of time to be finished, and since they are not in it yet, my parents have to live with me until my sister and b-n-l can move into the new house.

Aren't I lucky?

I have never done this, but I can't resist. This is seriously the funniest clip I have seen in a while. Whose Line Is It Anyway is a favorite of mine and my favorite Yankee-turned-Southerner Sara...so this goes out to her.

Packing.

I'm in Maine, ya'll. Packing up the house. It's a lot more sad than I thought it would be. Fortunately, my childhood best friend and her husband bought it. But it's going to be hard to leave tomorrow.

On another note: I finally bought myself a new camera. Wahoo! So here are some pics. I'll be back soon...much to catch you up on.

itchy.

the last four years have been building up to these recent months of boiling unsettlement. it seems like every day has just added onto the next, causing layers and layers of a skin i no longer recognize. with the people i have met, the things i have done or discovered...each component feels like a new pair of jeans: almost right, but still something making it completely wrong. i don't know the person i have become because i'm in the middle of becoming. i'm waiting to shed my skin, and the skin can't be shed here. i've spent these years searching; searching for a piece of who i am to become, of who the person is that i will settle into...but i'm left searching. everyday that i find myself still trying is a day i get closer to no longer putting forth the effort. this has been four years of searching for a connection, for a connection of some kind that would allow myself to be. to be whole. even for a moment. recently an individual tapped into the part of me that i've had hidden since i left north carolina, tapped into a part of me that i forgot was there....the part the craves a connection on a whole level, not one that just satisifies a certain component or fits into an ideal that i thought was my future. what he tapped into awoke a person that was excited again, excited to explore and create. discover. the person that over four years has slowly covered herself day after day by creating who she thinks she should be, not who she knows she could be.

i'm tired of reaching out, of seeking, of searching here. i'm seeking a closeness in any form. a closeness that allows me to be me. a closeness that i've only found in a few....a familarity that has mostly come before my move back north, and has only appeared fleetingly here. i feel myself giving up on what i've known these past years. the people i see no longer evoke in me what i seek to be brought out. i'm not challenged. i no longer recognize the person that i once knew so well...at least not in the company of others. even what i choose to put in my mouth no longer tastes pleasant. the clothes i wear no longer feel familiar. the voice i hear is no longer mine.

i feel the me waiting to emerge inside. but i also feel that same part of me hiding until i change something. something big. there seems to no longer be a motivation left to uncover what is beneath these layers. when even a fraction of it is exposed, it's distorted and unfamiliar. it comes out in words i don't recognize as my own, thoughts that are voiced that don't seem to be coming from inside me. i'm as awkward as a teenage boy who's afraid to talk out of fear his voice will crack...except the voice cracking is every movement i seem to be making.

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i don't want to keep shutting people out. it feels horrible and selfish. it tears at my insides. the people in my surrounding life are kind and genuine and amazing in their own way...i just can't keep trying to be someone i no longer feel is present. words can not express how excited i am about the coming year. i've always felt 27 would be one of my best years, and i'm captivated and consumed by thoughts of what's to come...and most importantly...who's to come; who's under those layers.


my skin is itching in joyous anticipation.

my voice is ready to finally. stop. cracking.

Finally, I know I'm not alone in this world.

10 THINGS I AM REALLY FUCKING TIRED OF DEFENDING.

1. What I decide to eat, or not eat.

2. Wanting to move out of this state for a little while so I can have a chance at happiness.

3. Wanting to go home and not stay to have a drink when I'm tired from working a 17 hour day.

4. Not wanting to go out to a bar filled with striped-shirted, short-haired single men when I work in one.

5. Who I date and why I'm okay with the fact that they're different from you*. That's in fact WHY I like them.

6. The reason I'm still not married/engaged/ already-living-in-a- house-with-a-white-picket-fence-and-2.5 kids...and okay with it.

7. Why I'm still at this job, even though I hate it.

8. Why I like living 20 minutes from town...and why it's ridiculous you won't drive out there.

9. Why I haven't gotten a chance to call you back after your 10,000 calls or return your gazillion-and-one text messages asking why you haven't heard from me.

and finally...

10. Why I'm apparently cranky as hell most of the time lately. I have no idea why. Well, okay, that's a lie, I kinda do...but do I need to explain it?

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*The "you" varies throughout the post. And most likely, if you're reading this, you're not the "you" I'm referring to...these "yous**" don't know about my site.

** In Rhode Island, the word "yous" is actually used. A lot. Like, all the time. I thought it wasn't true until I dated someone more Rhode Island than quahogs and his grandmother used it every other word. For those of you not familiar with this expression, it is commonly used in the same way "ya'll" is used. For example: "Are yous all coming to dinner?" Try it. Especially you southerners. You might know what I feel like everytime I say ya'll up here.

It's the end of the world as we know it...and I've got lime.

The world was about to end, and the last person who had spoken to me was the machine lady at the self-checkout. But at least I would've had plenty of sugar and limes with me...it's a shame they don't sell tequila at the grocery store in Rhode Island, or I would've already made myself a cocktail the second I saw this coming.

Okay.

Well, will this hold you over until I finish it?

My decided upon future:

http://www.sebastopol.org/

I know, I know...it's not Atlanta. But I can totally make it up to you by offering you a place to stay with one fabulously cool chick in WINE COUNTRY. Where there's lots of wine. And they happen to make wine there. And you can drink lots and lots of wine. For free at most places. Did I mention the wine?

Yeah...I guess I shouldn't have lied like that, huh?

Hey all...

[three of you that read this]...just wanted to check in with you, let you know that I'm working on a post. Many things have come to the surface for me. I'm figuring things out. I'm making some decisions. I'm seeing a new side of me...a side that has been sleeping for a while now.

It's all pretty damn exciting. (I've enticed you now, haven't I?) Soon, my friends...

Grand. Freaking. Slam.

Barrett and I, post grand slam.



Our not-really seats behind home plate.

I got to go to my first (and hopefully not only) Sox game of the season yesterday with my friend Barrett and had an absolute blast. It was one of those days where we had perfect timing for everything, including the last train from Providence before rush hour and the perfect table next to the street by Fenway to wait for his friends before the game rush showed up and swamped the place. It was just all around great. It feels awesome to rediscover a friendship that at one point was at risk of disappearing, and to truly enjoy being around that person again as your new selves and it leave you wanting to hang out more because, for once in the past few months, you've discovered another person you can actually be your true self around. I couldn't have imagined a better way to spend a night at Fenway. I mean, even if we hadn't scored those seats right next to our real seats and I had ended up having to look at the big green post directly in front of me the whole game, I still would've enjoyed it. Thank you, Barrett. The Springboard* had a blast.

On another note: Took had to take a visit to the Vet yesterday to take a ride on the Scary Stainless Steel Spaceship to get probed in the ass all because he couldn't stop licking his empty ball sack due to a bacterial infection that his mom caused by letting him wade in an apparently bacteria-infected creek. (I should be sent away). I've been watching the Dog Whisperer lately, and have been trying to work on my energy around him in stressful situations so he can sense it and act accordingly...but yeh, that was challenged a bit yesterday when I watched my dog yelp in fear of the thermometer being shoved up his and the needle jammed in his leg. How can you act calm and comfortable in a time like that? You can't, that's how. Poor guy...it's not your fault you got jock itch. It's your horrible mom's fault that she decided a swim in the creek would be good for you.


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*Over drinks, Barrett decided that my nickname should be Springboard because I'm the one that makes the guys realize they should go back to their ex (or separated wife) or start that new relationship with that girl they've been admiring (or their best friend, whichever). Nice, huh?

For all you sustainable folks:

Google has started a cool little project over here:

http://services.google.com/earth/green/

It highlights sustainable businesses in prime tourist cities, and then maps them out for you, including video highlights that feature a random guy dressed in green drumming at the selected location. I'm awaiting one in Boston...hopefully soon. It's pretty cool.

Nice work, Google.

Calm.

I've always seemed to have had the ability to find a reason for why someone comes in or out of my life. There have been times, especially as of late where I've struggled with the answer. When this occurs I feel off, unbalanced...unsettled. Then, there are times, where I instantly know the reason, I feel the reason why someone has come into my life, and I become a bit more settled. It balances out the previous uncertainty. Over the past few months, I've been trying to come to terms with the frustrations I feel from an unknown future and the pressure for it to be known. This past weekend, I finally realized I need to let it go. It's been causing my insides to stir. Two days later, I began exploring a relationship with someone new (and by relationship, I don't mean the common definition we associate that with, but it is, in essence, a beginning of a relationship of some form)...someone with a calmness about him that is infectious. In the two days and nights I've spent with him, I feel it taking over me...I no longer feel the pressure I've been putting on myself, I feel the way I've been wanting to feel for quite some time now. He didn't cause this, nor did he give me this, but he has helped me acknowledge it's importance even further than I had yet been able to on my own. It hasn't even been through words necessarily, but simply by being in his presence. I feel okay at the moment. I'm not as concerned about the future right now. It all feels*....good.

(In conclusion, apparently, I'm FEELING again. According to the amount of times I just used the word "feel" in the paragraph above, it's feeling times 9. And now it's 13.)