I spent an entire week working on some new publications for my office, actually enjoying the creative process and even working while at work (I know, crazy idea, right?)...and it was just squashed to hell by my boss. Everything. The only thing she liked was the color scheme; and the color scheme? Yeh, it was the same as before. I've been sitting at this desk for three years now, telling myself it's okay to be at a job that I'm not really into, because I'm in transition, trying to find what I want to do next. Along the way, I've learned that the majority of people my age are in transition...and do you know what that means? Alot of unhappy, confused motherfuckers. So now I'm sitting here, pissed off that the work I've done for the past week --- and enjoyed --- was a waste of my time. I could've been writing for my blog. I don't get paid enough for this shit, and yet I'm supposed to work as hard as if I were getting paid 10's of thousands more? It just doesn't make sense. And then it's only worsened by the fact that I've spent some good time looking for other jobs, sending out my resumes, working on bullshit cover letters, to only hear back from a job that can only offer 20K. Is that even minimum wage? What are we supposed to do? I realize that I've got it better than a lot of people, that I have a job and should be thankful for that alone, but it sucks because people my age, with the same background and experience, are getting things practically handed to them (just so you know, S, I'm not talking about you...you deserve every bit of happiness that you have gotten in this world, more than anyone I know, in fact. And you know what? A lot of my true happiness these days is drawn from people like you, people who are just shining in their life, it couldn't feel more wonderful to have a close friend getting everything they've wanted, and being genuinely happy --- it gives me something to strive for, and I thank you for that. Okay...now back to bitching...) where was I? Oh right, people getting it handed to them...I think I'll move on from that, because now I've lost where I was going. My point here is that this is bullshit. It's bullshit that I want a new direction in my life, I'm searching for that direction, and while others seem to get it layed before them; I have to dodge bushes and rocks and trees, and the road is all covered in brush...and I'm trying, I'm trying hard...but it's just not clearing up for me. I'm wondering when the hell a wind will come and clear the path...it's been three years now of calm.
Last night, on my way home, I saw a shooting star when I was in the middle of a city. Later as I was walking Took, I saw another shooting start above the trees. I don't know, I felt like maybe it was a sign of some sorts. But then again, a part of me thinks that we create signs when we feel we need them...and I'm okay with that. So I think I'm going to tell myself that the shooting stars were signs, because honestly, I can't remember the last time I saw one. And that part of me that I mentioned above, almost feels like if we believe in signs, we'll force our way to that change we create. Surely three years of trying to create change, will finely pay off. I hope soon, I'm not sure I can handle much more of this underpaid bullshit. I can't even afford to pay off my loans for the education that supposedly got me here. This society is fucked up.
And those are my thoughts for this friday. Now I have to go work on a spreadsheet for it to only be returned to me in need of being changed...again.