Wednesday, June 1's back to negative...

The negativety I have in my head always finds it's way into my stomach, feeling as if I had a salad of stones for lunch. I hate that I think this way, and even more, I hate that I can't get out of it no matter how much I strain to do so. I can't seem to tell myself that something good will come; instead, I see nothing but a fate of unhappiness and days alone. I really do start to wonder if I am meant to be alone. Even with amazing prospects on the horizon, it's a future of no one but my dog at my side that I see. The part of that that really seems odd to me, is that that really wouldn't be a doomed existence. And yet, I see it as one. Why is it that in my thoughts, my's finding a partner that becomes the last part of the equation left missing in my happiness? I can see the ridiculousness of that without reading the words for evidence...but it's convincing my heart of that that is proving impossible. As I've mentioned before, I am so lucky in many many ways; and as a result, I am truly happy. I realize this may not seem all that apparent here, as I am most often filled with words of doubt and anger - but if you notice the reoccurring subject along with these tones, they are usually stained with thoughts of love. So as a result, I am beyond frustrated with myself and this habitual way of thinking. The thing that really gets to me, is that I am aware this way of thinking may very well be the reason I am alone. I am a huge believer in the idea of putting positivity out there and being returned with exactly that...positivity. But being a believer in that concept does not make me an immediate practicer. My capability to put those good thoughts out there has begun to prove more and more difficult.

I need to get out of my head just long enough to find something else to invest in, something else that will fill that void I can't seem to stop dwelling on. I admire those few who find happiness in every aspect of their lives, and that is truly all they need. But I can't help but wonder if they're just better at hiding it.

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