This is the summary of my last 20 hours that will make you either very happy you live where you do in the warmth, or you experienced something very similar and will agree completely:
Last night, after I left work, I get to my car to find a parking ticket and a layer of ice plastering said ticket to the car. I try to tear it off, and it rips in three. I then attempt to get into my car, all the while trying to close my umbrella that is being turned inside-out by the wind, therefore causing me to whack my head on the door frame of my car, instantly giving me a splitting headache.
The drive home is the worst I have ever experienced. I get home and take my dog outside and fall hard on my right side, hitting my head on the ice-covered road. The headache that had been started from my door frame, is then multiplied by the whacking of my head against the road. I'm also left with a cramped neck and bruises on my hip. (yes, I am 80 years old)
Fast-forward to this morning's commute...
I let my car warm up for a good 15 minutes, but it does nothing..my windshield wipers still refuse to actually touch the windshield, despite de-icing them and removing all snow from under the blades. I then drive the entire way while trying to squint through the backwash on my windshield that will not be removed by my stubborn wipers. My heater breaks, so I'm sweltering hot in my car. I stop at the gas station to wipe off the window and the fluid I use freezes to my windshield. So I attempt to continue the drive blind. I get into the city and get cut off twice by the same woman..but since my horn is broken, all the rage that would've been released by using my horn, is built up inside and I start yelling at her, hoping she can hear me through BOTH CARS. I'm pretty sure she just had a good laugh because of all the hand gestures I was performing in her direction.
I show up to work 20 minutes late, angry and feeling like I am literally about to have a mental breakdown..for the 2nd time this winter.
I usually back New England up when people are curious why we want to live here, why we would deal with the cold. I can usually do this, fight for why this part of the country is incredible. And it is, but right now, I'm having a hard time remembering why that is. Instead, I'm thinking of ways I can get out of the cold and snow as soon as possible. This winter has been relentless. And it's ironic, because this is the first winter since I can remember that I've actually enjoyed the snow....until now.
I guess we're tough up here. But I'm not feeling so tough any more. Enough with winter...SPRING, WHERE ARE YOU?!
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Fun things to do in winter in New England:
- Make porny snowmen
- Pee your name into the snow (admittedly easier if you have a penis, but the determined woman can get it done)
- Exploit a good excuse to stay inside on the weekend and watch 37 straight hours of "I love the xx's"
- Eat snow cream (snow + condensed milk = delicious)
- Make sweet love by the fire (I never did much of that when I lived there, but I imagine it rules)
- Convince a kid to lick a metal pole
- Throw snowballs for your dog to catch in his mouth
- Ice skate on a real frozen pond
- Get so drunk you can't feel how goddamn cold it is
- Plan a vacation to warm, sunny Atlanta, GA (just sayin')
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