Friday, December 22

Ramblings.

This is hard. Things are hitting me one by one, relationships are shifting, some ending. I think I'm doing well, but then I look at myself from another view, and I fear I'm just hiding it all in the rush of excitement of what's about to come. I see the people around me changing, or staying the same, but my presense having no effect on it, no part in it. Do I still want to be a part in it? Or is it because I already made a conscious decision, that I hold no weight in any of it? I want this, I feel wholly that it's the right move...but there's a part that I feel hasn't hit me yet. I see so many around me getting what they've wanted, creating the life they've always felt should be theirs, and I'm in the process of doing the same...but the part of me that's scared keeps making my stomach turn, my heart weaken. The disappointments that have occurred over the past few days have tested my strength. The strength is profoundly present, I feel a difference between the me now and the me four years ago...but that same part of me is what wants what I wanted then. And I don't know why, but that's the part of me that is making me uneasy. Maybe because I feel it's the very same part of me that thinks I still won't get it. I'll still end up disappointed in the end. That since I failed at finding it here, I might fail at finding it there. So how do I silence that part of me? That negative part, that part that keeps having to resurface with each heartache, each dead end, each misread?

This has been a hard week. Today someone that I, at one time, thought would be the person I would spend my life with, closed the possibility of that ever happening. Flipped the switch. Told me what I had been waiting to hear for 3 years now, something that would finally allow me to stop. hoping. But it's happening right before I leave. 3 weeks before I leave. So which is it? Is it because I'm leaving, or because it's the truth?

I think it's the ease at which I'm taking this all that's throwing me off. I haven't broken down since he told me he didn't think he'd ever leave her. Why haven't I broken down? Am I stronger? Or has it just not hit me? And if that's the case, when will it hit?

3 weeks feels like 3 decades. This week has felt like a month. These years, have felt like a lifetime.

I just hope I'm ready for the next. I think I am. I just need to make it there.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

No one knows how to rip your heart out like the person you care about most. You and I make a sad pair Courtney. I'll tell you about it later...

dammit sami said...

Are you there? Are you settled? Is it gorgeous? Update, please!

Dooce Fan! said...

Read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. Listen really well to the message. It helped me and I had a lot of the feelings and wonders you describe in your blog.

dammit sami said...

Dude. It's April 16th. FOUR FREAKING MONTHS! Come on!

I know I haven't updated either but I have a very good reason that I will not get into here. And it hasn't been 4 months, anyway.

miss you!

Will Waterstrat said...

Seriously Courtney, get with it. :)