And I'm out of my shell with a bit of a (heavy) bang.

In 5th grade I received a ceramic figure of a deer and some fake ruby earrings from my boyfriend on Valentine's Day. I still remember the card; it was a tri-fold, an arrow aiming for a heart, signed, "Your Boyfriend, Ebben" When, at that time, the title simply meant someone to tease on the playground. I think I may have broken up with him the next day with a note passed through a friend. I couldn't be his girlfriend any longer when it was his best friend I had a crush on that day. In high school, no one ever admitted who it was they were into at the time, it became a guessing game and an extended chain of "Telephone." My first real "love" was my freshman year of college with a hippie named Barrett. I had met him through a mutual friend and later ran into him at a show in the club next to my dorm, the next day begun a year and a half relationship. My first real boyfriend. I was convinced I would marry him, that it was that simple that your first love would become your life-long partner. After we broke up and I eventually moved on and it proved easy to fall for someone, maybe a little too easy. The only difference was that I would realize that they weren't necessarily going to become the "one." You could fall in "love" instantly because your only worries were writing papers and studying for tests, a romance made everything around you heightened. It might last, but it might not. You were surrounded by options, including, for the first time, a place of your own or of his own. Freedom allowed lust and infatuation to permeate your life (as well as lots of alcohol and other mind-clouding substances).

After college, it has all become so complicated. Expectations are present, realism sets in. It's no longer as easy; the brain kind of gets muddled in the process and you can't shut the thinking off, no matter how hard you try. I think it's when you fall for someone married, that it really sets in that you can no longer have the free-falling romance of the college years. Next thing you know, you're invited to your first love's wedding and then have to refer to his partner as his wife when they drive through town and ask to stop by for a visit. And now, instead of the foolishness of just thinking someone could very well be the "one," you actually have to consider it. It needs to at least be an option, or you feel like you're wasting your time. But after years and years of that question turning into disappointment and ill-judgement, it becomes even more difficult to fall. You can physically feel your body holding back, putting a shield up around the heart, requiring it to be chipped away at over time; the safegaurd getting more and more nails hammered in each time it's successfully torn down and put back up again. You don't want to be that one with the baggage, the one that sabatoges good things when entirely having the intention to do the opposite. But you realize, eventually, that the baggage isn't baggage at all. The bags you're carrying are simply reminders, warnings if you will, that the shield is still present and it's there for a reason: because along with the realism that sets in at this age, you're also aware of what exactly it is like to be completely and wholly consumed with love, and you know what's at stake if it doesn't work out. I don't even wish that I could be back to the times of checked boxes on passed notes, because I wouldn't have known what it was like to really feel. All this goes through your head even with the first hello to someone new, and you there's no preventing the flow of thoughts that come with it. It's a tiring battle, this falling in love. It's no longer ceramic animals and cheap earrings; it's the hope of a partner to share your Sundays with, the hope that in the end, it will all be worth it.

I guess the hard part is allowing the sheild be chipped...even if it is little by little.

Apologies and random thoughts.

Don't you like that I outed myself, only to leave you hanging as far as more posts go? Yeh, my head has been in the clouds this last week. That and I think I may be being a bit bashful. See, I've given my blog address to someone of the male-variety who I happen to find extremely intelligent and who also happens to be an excellent writer..so now one might say I'm having stage fright.

But some random thoughts to hold you over until I come back out of my shell:

* The eels, Blinking Lights and Other Revelations (a double disc), is worth downloading. If not simply for the fact they have a song titled "Going Fetal."

* Do you know how difficult it is for a girl to make girlfriends? It's not easy, my friends. Girls are petty little bitches. But when we do make girlfriends, man, it is so worth it. This feat occurred on Saturday, and let me just tell you, this girl drinks whiskey. Enough. Said.

* I've decided (along with above friend) that I need to stop voicing my thoughts so much. For example, thoughts on actions I'm contemplating taking. It only works to my disadvantage. Either they tell me something I don't want to hear (meaning, their opinion), or, I later turn out to not at all do anything of the sorts and feel stupid for voicing my idea prematurely. Which, I would say, the latter happens 9 out of 10 times. My brain switches gears about every 5 seconds. I can be totally psyched about something for one minute, then the very next minute, absolutely realize there is no way I would ever considerate that. So in other words, my indeciveness, from now on, is becoming mute. I think.

* I need to read more. Must read more. Need more knowledge.

* Earlier this week, I was a spider. Which is ironic, considering spiders put more fear in me than axe-murderers (ah-hem, R). As much as I fear spiders, it turns out I don't like being them, either. Go figure. Providence is a small, small city; in fact, it is bordering on incestuous. Quick synopsis, try to follow: Tuesday night I went to a bar with a friend of mine to meet up with some friends. We get there, and his ex-girlfriend is sitting with my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend (and are roommates, no less). The friend's ex also is not a huge fan of me, considering I hang out with her ex often. At one point she also liked someone else I just recently met and have been hanging out with. At another point in the night, this same girl inquired about another friend of mine who was also there, stating she found him attractive and had seen him around. I bet if we had polled the room, guaranteed everyone had slept with one another through one person removed. Now that's an image for you.

* Did I mention my new friend ROCKS? She does. No, really.

* Look at that, you ended up with a post after all. It's your lucky day.

Annonymous no longer.

(In D.C., on one of the insane escalators that city has. I think if you look closely, you can see your reflection in my forehead. You almost need some sunglasses to look at this picture.)

As part of this new me that emerged from my trip to D.C., I've decided not to be annonymous anymore. I'm not sure what sparked it, I just figure I have no reason to hide behind my words. They're my thoughts and my life, I shouldn't be embarrassed to own up to them -- whether the words themselves are embarrassing or not.

After all, I embarrass the shit out of myself on a daily basis in real life, why not do it on the Internet as well?

--- Courtney

This is just too good not to share:

Chick: "I swear to god, I don't know how nothing has happened to me yet, either I am infertile or the cure for herpes in is my vagina."

--- Overheard on the 6 Train, NYC

I just found this site, Overheard in New York, that posts different things overheard on the streets in NYC. It's hilarious.

(And to give credit where credit is due, I found it through this guy, also a good read: The Hanging Stranger.)

A photo.

In leu of a boring written post about what I haven't done today, you're getting a random picture from my trip to D.C. This was taken in a bar in Adam's Morgan after the sangria we consumed at the mexican restaurant around the corner. At the time, I thought it was a brilliant picture. Now that I see it full size, it's not quite so brilliant; but I still find it kind of cool at the same time.

Enjoy. And have a great weekend!

A change will do (me) good.

I need a change in my life, ladies and gents. But what that change could be, I am a little stumped on. I thought the new purse and dress purchased this weekend at great deals would help my little slump I have found myself in as of late, but alas, it did little for the cause. A new haircut? New glasses? A move? A new career? I thought maybe even moving around the furniture in my house would help, but there are little possiblities there as my house is uber old and lacks the space needed for such moves.

Any thoughts?

In other news, I further perfected the grilled pizza last night. It was absolutely delicious. The concoction was comprised of the usual whole-wheat crust from Federal Hill, homemade pesto from the basil in my garden and garlic (grown locally), carmelized onions (once again, from a locally grown onion), local mushrooms, sundried tomatoes, mozzarrella, and feta. Seriously, I make a lot of pizzas, and this was my best one yet. Oh how I love thee pizza.

In addition to needing a change, I am also in need of a new project of some sorts. I've been thinking of writing a book (but then again, who isn't these days?), or actually setting up my sewing machine. You would think the project of my jewelry making would be keeping me satisfied, but sadly, I have the attention span of a two year-old when it comes to projects. I really dislike that about me.

This weekend should be fun. I am heading to the Newport Jazz Festival for the first time on Saturday, then to Maine w/ T on Sunday for a little Peak's Island reggae. Good times, good times.

Until then, I will most likely bore you with more pointless posts such as this one. See why I need a change?

You should see me with a Maglite, I'm bad-ass.

Having four days off is delicious. I'm having a difficult time getting back into the swing of things, especially because that would require actually being on the swing prior to leaving for my mini-vacation. I did nothing of particular note, except spend a lovely evening with some wonderful people (hi C and M!) and an old friend (hi old friend who doesn't read my blog!) on friday night. We all met at their house before heading to dinner, and they almost had to drag me off their porch for some food because I really loved their porch. Really, I love it. I'm thinking about moving to their porch, it's that great. I think my love for it has to do with the fact that my porch is big enough for a few plants and door into my house, and the view from the porch is that of an overly-large lilac tree and some even more trees behind that. But on their porch, you get ample space that you could probably hold a mini-marathon on and has views of drag racing and sunsets. Both of which I witnessed on friday. Dinner was great. And I really do love those guys. I think I can honestly say they are two of the most incredible people I have met, and their relationship should be what everyone strives to have, it is that great. I'm really glad I met them, even if they are all-too-often consumed in med school life and don't get to hang out as a result, but I guess I'm ok with that, considering they want to be doctor's and all. They are really lucky to have met, and the best part of that is they appear totally aware of that, and most people often forget how important that is. I admire that to no end.

So guys, this is a total suck-up so you'll want to hang out with me more. Is it working?

Just kidding. You guys really do rule. Oh, and your stories of the ER are totally making my blog when I'm struggling for topics. Trust me internet, you won't want to miss out on these.

Anyway, the rest of my weekend was fairly good, minus the fact I was stranded in Foster because my car's brakes decided they would start making a piercing sound that caused me to want to stick sharp objects into my ears so I could no longer hear. I feared driving anywhere and causing further damage, so I was stranded alone dogsitting for my dog and my sister's for almost 36 hours without any other human contact. Oh! Sunday night, after watching a not-so-great movie, I was walking back to my house and noticed my car's dome light was on. I walked to the car thinking the door had been ajar, but no...the switch had been turned on. At this point, all of my body started shaking and I thought someone was going to jump out of the woods and abduct me and no one would ever find me again because everyone refuses to drive to Foster in this state, so of course they would never drive out if there was a chance they wouldn't even find me. So I cautiously opened the door and shut off the light, and continued to totally freak myself out the rest of the night. The three people I spoke to after I realized my life was threatened by the light-turner-oner were of no help, too. One lived in Providence with no car, one in California with a car, and one in Boston, also without a car. THEY WOULDN'T OF HELPED. So there I was, clutching my 15-inch, 5-pound Maglite in my hand the rest of the night, afraid of every room in my house.

But luckily, I must have intimidated whoever it was with my immense strength and Maglite weapontry, because I escaped the night unscathed. And here I am, at work, after 4 days of being gone. But I did come in to an email from a friend of mine that sent me a link for a story on Cindy Sheehan staking out at the end of the driveway at the President's summer house until he speaks to her. To read the article, click the links below. The NYTimes one you need to sign-up (for free), but I went ahead and found a CNN artcile that's free if you're too lazy.

NYTimes

CNN

Also, if you missed my post about her incredibly powerful talk here in Providence, read it here.

Oh, and one more thing, I'm thinking about getting rid of this whole annonymous thing. Any objections? I'd probably keep my friends annonymous, though. Ok, I'm done boring you to death. You may go now.

So I know I've been on a roll lately with my posts, but I wanted to give you a head's up that I'm not going to be around for the next 4 days. Tomorrow I am taking off and going to the beach with my sister, and Monday we have off because Rhode Island is the last state in the country to celebrate Victory Day (previously known as "Victory over Japan Day"). So don't miss me too much, I will hopefully come back with the same motivation to post as regularly as I have been as of late.

Have a great bug-and-bat-free 4 days! I'll be back real soon. I promise.

I may be losing it.

Last night, on my way home, I looked down at my hand right as I was about to shift and saw the biggest ant I have ever seen crawling on my hand. I freaked out, of course, because I'm not one for the crawling creatures, and I seriously think it could've bitten my thumb off. Later on, around 9:30, I was making one of my trips to my sister's house across the street and I was dive-bombed by two bats. They came within a foot of my head, stopping briefly before me, then zoomed past to the field. I, of course, stopped in my tracks and screamed. Because, you know, that's obviously what will save me from getting my eyes gouged out by two evil bats. Not too soon after, I went to bed. Right above my bed is a window with a fan blowing in, and directly on me. As a result, I am paranoid something will fly in through the fan and attack me in my sleep. I was on the cusp of sleeping, where dreams feel like your reality, and saw sworms of those giant mosquitos (you know the ones, they're not really mosquitos, but look like the big brothers of mosquitos?) surrounding my bed. I freaked out, started waving my arms frantically, jumped out of bed and turned on the light to see that there was absolutely nothing in my room. It had been a dream. After laughing out loud to myself, as well as catching Took's look of "What the hell is your problem, lady?!" I fell back to sleep to later dream I was being covered by ants.

Do you guys think I need to move back to the city, or what?

He's worth it.

Usually when Took and I go for a walk, he's in his own world having a personal adventure of mysterious scents and varying landscapes of tall grass and poop graveyards. He trots along with his tongue hanging out and a look of determination in his eyes. But sometimes, he comes out of his world and realizes I'm walking along with him. He stops dead in his tracks, looks up at me as if to say, "Oh...It's you! You feed me and scratch my belly! I like you!" and then he wags his tail and looks up at me, not budging until I scratch his head. For everyone who comments that dogs are too much responsiblilty and question why I would take that on, this is the reason. That single moment where he realizes who I am and makes eye contact as his smiles, is what makes all the responsibility totally worth it.

Evidence

A while back, I came across the site Postsecret through the Blogger welcome page. Postsecret started as an art project compiled of secrets annonymously confessed on post cards. The idea took off and became so popular a blog was started to post a few of the thousands they began to receive. This morning a friend of mine suggested I check out the new secrets that had been posted (new secrets are posted every Sunday). This one struck me:



How can you be so power hungry that you can ignore the plea of soldiers, the mental poisoning of YOUR citizens, W.? How much more proof do you need before you decide to pull out our daughters and sons from destroying someone else's land and killing themselves and other innocent people? Perhaps you should send your own daughters overseas and see if they come back just as they left. Or if they come back at all.

I think you may need to reacquaint yourself with the definition of freedom. I'll make it even easier for you: here's a link.

------------------

Click here to read the rest of the secrets at Postsecret.

More gushing about my garden, a bit about my weekend, and finally D.C.

It's riding on borderline freaky how much I love my garden. I have yet to sleep outside next to it, but when I was planting it, I did have a hankering for rolling around in the compost it was so rich and beautiful. I was thinking how if I were to do it for my job, if I would still love it as much, or if farmer's just loose the love of gardening when it becomes their way of making money. Right now, I'm abound with cucumbers and zucchini, and still basking in the glory of being able to share my veggies. If I were doing it for a living, I'm afraid it would suck the love right out of it. Just a thought. Also, my zucchini and cucumber plants are attacking my skin. I just looked down as I'm typing this, and it looks like I got into a fight with a hundred kittens. And I say kittens because they're little scratches. I'm not sure if I'm allergic, or this is normal. But I digress...

I had such a great weekend of normality. And I was excited about that, internet. Although, something happened friday night that threw me back a bit. I went to a friend's house for a party they were throwing and I was the first to show up. Soon, about 15 girls around the age of probably 20 or so came walking in with cell phones in their hands and apparently having forgotten to put clothes on. So not too long after this, I got told that I'm too mature by friend. Hm. Too mature - I've definitely never been told that one. It could've been because compared to the 15 year olds that were there, I could've been their mother. But apparently, he meant it as a compliment -- he said he was intimidated by me because I'm so mature. Nice, huh? I left not long after that, I had to get up early for Bingo anyway.

Ok, so instead of posting what I wrote about DC in it's own entry, this is what I have to say: D.C. blew me away. I have left there energized to finally do something for myself. The people I met were familiar to me, welcoming of me -- I was a part of their family the second "hello's" were exchanged. They were intelligent, kind, open, driven -- each incredible and owning of a passion I crave. I walked miles and miles, enough to aquire painful shin-splints, and now the last thing I want to do is drive my car or sit down. For months now, I've felt bored and uninspired. My life had become routine and pre-planned. The people I met had a purpose to their lives, they had a cause they were fighting for, something they felt was unjust and needed attention. And not only did they hold this, they acted upon it. It effected me in a way I didn't expect, I found motivation for something I didn't know I had. The first night there, I met my girffriend H's friends and instantly was surrounded by political debates and current issues I hadn't thought twice about. It was refreshing, and quickly made me feel like I needed to stop living in my hole. The next day we attended a panel discussion on hip hop and culture and how it can be transformed into a positive influence and put back to it's roots. The discussion continued for about 4 hours, followed by a couple of performances by political hip-hop artists, including one that was H's friend. It was amazing. That night we went out for Mexican food and sangria that knocked us on our asses. It was GREAT to sit there and chat with my girlfriend, to catch up after FOUR YEARS of not being in touch. It was like we hadn't gone a day without talking. The rest of the time there was spent exploring the city (including the zoo that I didn't like all that much) and hanging out with her friend Alex who is so sweet and intelligent and kind (and walks dogs for his job!). She also had a dinner party where one of her roommates made a lasagna out of ingredients from their garden, and it was one of the best meals I had ever had. I honestly can not say enough good things about my trip and D.C. I feel like I'm not even doing it justice. And my girl H...ROCKS. What a cool chick. I didn't want to leave, I wanted her in my life on a daily basis, not a flight away. Not only is she one of the greatest people I know, but she's actually SINGLE! *GASP* I mean, I thought I was the only one left, people! All in all, it was one of the best trips of my life, and I've been a lot of places.

So that's the short recap of D.C. Hope you're not disappointed, but most of you I've already talked your ears off about it anyway.