Some people have told me that maybe I need time off from dating, time to myself. What they don't know is even though I may be lucky in regards to getting dates, not once have I been emotionally involved in any of them except for one, and that was almost two years ago. Which translates to so much time to myself, I start wondering half-way through the evening, whether I'll get myself lucky that night, regardless of whether or not I paid for my dinner. Dating seems to have become a form of entertainment lately. Only the entertainment is now effecting how I think. I'm no longer as excited as I should be; I worry, I analyze, I think of cancelling because I wonder: what's the point? Chances are, I'm not going to be interested in him. Then I'm continuously avoiding phone calls and coming up with excuses not to go out with them again. I'm not saying all this to complain that my life is rough because all these guys like me; I'm not, I know I'm fortunate...I'm just wondering if these will forever be my options. Lackluster males with too-large of egos that are incapable of taking hints easily, or giving up at the first sign of no interest, that I couldn't be more blatant about. I don't want dates. I want emotional involvement. A glimmer of something to help me realize I'm not what I fear most: incapable of feeling anything but annoyance.
Yesterday, unexpectedly, a little bit of that glimmer found it's way to my desk. But my issue (I always have issues) with all this is I've started expecting the glimmer to be fake, to burst as soon as we begin our first conversation, before the food has even reached our table. The frustrating part of it all (although it may not seem it), is that I tell myself to be hopeful, as I'm fully aware that being pessimistic might very well be the pin that is bursting the bubble. I try to supress the voice in my head that's questioning whether it's worth it anymore. I try to make the voice that thinks maybe this time it will be right, loud enough to drown out the negative.
Then again, maybe it won't be so bad dating myself for a while longer...at least I control whether or not I get lucky. And I'm fully capable of getting the hint. As long as that optimistic voice stays drowned, that is.