damn him for the inspiration for me to write again. never mind the amazing people i’ve met (and one in particular), the vineyards, my new job, the ocean, the land, causing me to go to my computer....he was right that it’s in the midst of anger and sadness, we produce our greatest work or find our deepest inspiration. i’ve found myself in a dark place the last couple of days, a place that i find myself heading here and there, but fortunately pull myself out at the last minute somehow. but i haven’t been as successful the last couple of days. and when i’m in this place, every bone in my body is telling me to leave. that you’ve tried it. that the pain you feel when you think about your nephew, or any of your family, or even that street you got so tired of, but now would give anything to be on...is enough to pack your bags and go home.
it’s a good thing we don’t usually listen to bones.
this time, if i were to go home, the hope that has been there for 4 years now, has now vanished with a single email. contact that i once thought would be there for the rest of my life, will no longer be. a love of my life has ended with five little words of well wishing, well wishing laced with anger and sprinkled with betrayal. this week i found out that i had been lied to for a year and a half. robbed of a year and a half of time that i could’ve spent moving on. getting to a place where it would’ve been easy to leave....a place that i wouldn’t have felt a bungee cord of hope holding me to rhode island as i move 3,000 miles away to california. i needed that one last thing to tell me that i was an idiot for believing in a someday. words were not enough for me, but this? this would’ve been enough for me. i would’ve gotten the picture. i would’ve finally hit it into my skull that he wasn’t going to leave. but no, for a reason that he feels was selfless, he kept it from me so not to add to my pain and stress at the time....that during the entire year and a half, he felt it was never the right time to tell me he was planning and creating A FUCKING FAMILY.
i don’t believe i have ever felt this way before now. thankfully, until now, i have never been lied to to this extent, nor had to defend why i feel it is a lie (to me, omission on this level, is a lie). sure people have lied to me, and i to them, but not to the point where my heart was on the line for so long, and by someone that i was painfully in love with for way too long. a love that wouldn’t allow me to love any one else. as angry as i am, i know that i’m relieved. that i’m finally free of the burden of loving someone that will never be able to love me back completely. it’s a weight that i’ve carried for far too long. a weight that i didn’t deserve to carry, that no amount of talking myself out of, would let disappear. even as i write these words, i’m feeling lighter by the letter. maybe this was the ending i needed. he’s been here from the beginning, been the feelings either directly or indirectly behind the majority of my posts on this blog. so maybe this is the last step that i needed to take to make it real.
i didn’t need this to tell me i made the right decision, to know that i’m where i’m supposed to be. but it sure does help.