Tuesday, May 31
I surrender.
Alright, karma, did you have fun this weekend taking revenge out on my little plan? I had to be all: "...I'm done letting your plans for me direct my path. I'm creating my own." So you just HAD to go and put him in the emergency room. Seriously, what did I do in my previous life to make you so mad at me? COME ON ALREADY!
Friday, May 27
Finally, proof!
What I have been saying all along (you know, that Rhode Island has, by far, the WORST drivers in the country), was just proved by CNN*:
http://www.cnn.com/2005/AUTOS/05/26/drivers_study/index.html
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*Please note, that Massachusetts is only 0.2 points away from a TIE FOR WORST DRIVERS IN THE COUNTRY. And you guys wonder why I have mental breakdowns and accidents?!
http://www.cnn.com/2005/AUTOS/05/26/drivers_study/index.html
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*Please note, that Massachusetts is only 0.2 points away from a TIE FOR WORST DRIVERS IN THE COUNTRY. And you guys wonder why I have mental breakdowns and accidents?!
Wednesday, May 25
The final rose ceremony it is not.
So the big difference between me and those girls on The Bachelor, is that I don't even get to be famous while sitting around waiting for him to decide. Therefore, I will also not be bombarded with requests for dates simply because I was on TV, nor will I have a fancy limo to cry in if I'm not chosen.
Think it's too late to contact ABC?
Think it's too late to contact ABC?
Tuesday, May 24
I'm not complaining in this one, I swear!
As much as I bitch and complain about my lack of a love-life, I am the luckiest person alive when it comes to friendships. My friends make me feel special every single day. I have been blessed with some of the most amazing people as comrads in this thing we call life...from Australia to California, from Canada to Georgia (and all that's in-between!)...I couldn't be luckier.
Last week was quite the week for me. My girl from high school came for 4 short days to the little state of Rhode Island. We caught up on the quality hang-out time we had been missing the last few months, and it was so wonderful. She reminds me of the girl I used to be, the girl that thought she'd always be alone (wait a minute...), but didn't care. I'm reminded when I'm with her, that I'm not alone. That she'll be there every step of the way, most likely experiencing a very similar path. And most importantly, I'll at least have someone to back me up when I'm being pathetic. She's one friend in the world that I can do absolutely nothing with..and still love it. She and I have moved further away from each other every year (physically). One of these days, we better settle as next door neighbors, missy!
After she left to get some much needed action on the West Coast (um...YAY!), another friend came to visit. I don't believe we stopped yappering once (minus the sleeping hours and mouthfuls of yummy, carb-laced delights. But then again, no one was awake to verify we didn't keep talking in our sleep, which we very well could have done.). We had months and months to catch up on, and we only had a few hours to do so. It was all too short, but all too necessary. Thank you so much for making the trek up here, S. I can't express to you what it feels like to know we lost nothing in our lack of communication. You're a special lady, and I'm so lucky to have met you when I did!
Also last week, in a rather bittersweet event, another close friend moved across the country..and I couldn't be happier for her. It was not an easy move, but in so many ways, it was the right move. She's been rather lucky when it comes to various aspects of her life, and I do hope the luck spills over into the rest of it. I couldn't imagine a more deserving person than her. She's genuine, kind, and probably one of the funniest people I know. If she weren't at the other end of my almost-daily phone calls, I'd be lost.
Then there's T, a rather reoccurring character in my stories here at Undecided. And I say character in every definition of the word...because a character, she most certainly is. I may not have shared this story, but the day I met her will forever be recalled. I had just moved here and started as a temp in what is now my real position. I had been working here for a couple of months before she showed up, also hired as a temp. I was starved for interacton with people my own age, that I had already decided we'd instantly be friends before I even met her. (I mean, she was from Maine and everything.) So she's getting introduced, and before she even got to the second syllable in her name, I was already shaking her hand telling her I was from Maine, too, and we should hang out some time. And that we did, and we haven't stopped since (as I even moved in with her and her man). I often admit how desparate I was when she started working here, and along with that, have had to admit I was also rather psycho-like when attacking her on her first day at the job. But hey, I wasn't wrong, was I? Huh, T?! HUH!?! I KNEW WE'D BE FRIENDS!! Anyway, I have met very few people in this world that I can spend as much time as I do with her, and actually still talk to one another. She has been my savior in this city. I think daily how if I hadn't met her, I would probably be poorly dressed and begging for friends on Thayer....and no one would EVER get my jokes. Don't worry, T, I'll always be there to laugh at your jokes. Someone has to. HAHAHA. (hehehe...love you!)
And there are so many more, so this will have to be an ongoing post...so stay-tuned (including one about a particular GREAT friend over at my favorite blog, Velumptuous, who I have also mentioned numerous times)...I am one lucky gal. Thank you so much for being in my life, you are each amazing in your own ways, and I will never stop appreciating you! I love you all!
Last week was quite the week for me. My girl from high school came for 4 short days to the little state of Rhode Island. We caught up on the quality hang-out time we had been missing the last few months, and it was so wonderful. She reminds me of the girl I used to be, the girl that thought she'd always be alone (wait a minute...), but didn't care. I'm reminded when I'm with her, that I'm not alone. That she'll be there every step of the way, most likely experiencing a very similar path. And most importantly, I'll at least have someone to back me up when I'm being pathetic. She's one friend in the world that I can do absolutely nothing with..and still love it. She and I have moved further away from each other every year (physically). One of these days, we better settle as next door neighbors, missy!
After she left to get some much needed action on the West Coast (um...YAY!), another friend came to visit. I don't believe we stopped yappering once (minus the sleeping hours and mouthfuls of yummy, carb-laced delights. But then again, no one was awake to verify we didn't keep talking in our sleep, which we very well could have done.). We had months and months to catch up on, and we only had a few hours to do so. It was all too short, but all too necessary. Thank you so much for making the trek up here, S. I can't express to you what it feels like to know we lost nothing in our lack of communication. You're a special lady, and I'm so lucky to have met you when I did!
Also last week, in a rather bittersweet event, another close friend moved across the country..and I couldn't be happier for her. It was not an easy move, but in so many ways, it was the right move. She's been rather lucky when it comes to various aspects of her life, and I do hope the luck spills over into the rest of it. I couldn't imagine a more deserving person than her. She's genuine, kind, and probably one of the funniest people I know. If she weren't at the other end of my almost-daily phone calls, I'd be lost.
Then there's T, a rather reoccurring character in my stories here at Undecided. And I say character in every definition of the word...because a character, she most certainly is. I may not have shared this story, but the day I met her will forever be recalled. I had just moved here and started as a temp in what is now my real position. I had been working here for a couple of months before she showed up, also hired as a temp. I was starved for interacton with people my own age, that I had already decided we'd instantly be friends before I even met her. (I mean, she was from Maine and everything.) So she's getting introduced, and before she even got to the second syllable in her name, I was already shaking her hand telling her I was from Maine, too, and we should hang out some time. And that we did, and we haven't stopped since (as I even moved in with her and her man). I often admit how desparate I was when she started working here, and along with that, have had to admit I was also rather psycho-like when attacking her on her first day at the job. But hey, I wasn't wrong, was I? Huh, T?! HUH!?! I KNEW WE'D BE FRIENDS!! Anyway, I have met very few people in this world that I can spend as much time as I do with her, and actually still talk to one another. She has been my savior in this city. I think daily how if I hadn't met her, I would probably be poorly dressed and begging for friends on Thayer....and no one would EVER get my jokes. Don't worry, T, I'll always be there to laugh at your jokes. Someone has to. HAHAHA. (hehehe...love you!)
And there are so many more, so this will have to be an ongoing post...so stay-tuned (including one about a particular GREAT friend over at my favorite blog, Velumptuous, who I have also mentioned numerous times)...I am one lucky gal. Thank you so much for being in my life, you are each amazing in your own ways, and I will never stop appreciating you! I love you all!
Monday, May 23
My life as a pathetic and rarely watched reality show.
My life as of late has turned into one long, drawn-out episode of The Bachelor. Only I'm without the fancy dresses and tropical islands, or million-dollar Malibu home.
I believe it began in high school, with E. My little hippie boyfriend, who brought feelings out I had yet to experience. After 3 months of being with me, he calls me up to break the news. He had had a girlfriend. OF. 3. YEARS. He felt horribly guilty, and eventually went back to her. Later, I began dating R in the class below me. It was exciting. It was as hot as a high school relationship could get. But after 3 weeks, he had told me he didn't want a girlfriend, he wasn't ready for one. It was within a week he started dating my friend, of whom he stayed with FOR. 3. YEARS.
Then there was H in college. He left for a course in Prague after an incredible month of being together, leaving with promises of thoughts and words of hope. We would pick this back up when he came back, this he was sure. The first week he was gone, he said he missed me and didn't think it was going to be as bad as it turned out to be. Then the email became more and more sparse, the conversations generic and painful. When he came back he said he had felt nothing. When I kissed him, it was blank. I asked if he had met someone, and he said yes.
Then, after a few interspersed between, there was, as you are familiar with (and undoubtedly annoyed with hearing about)...the Ghost. I had met him in the post office. He was standing at the counter, for what seemed like an eternity. Our eyes met, I smiled. Before I left, I looked one more time and his eyes had never left me. I smiled once more, assuming that would be the last I would see of him. My friends convinced me after work that night to meet them at the bar for a round of darts. I walked in, and it was as if his eyes had been with me the entire day into the night. There he was, the guy from the post office. The Ghost. We spent what would be the most incredible few weeks of my life. But inevitably, he was left with a choice. His wife (yes, his WIFE) ended up with the prize (rightly so, I do admit), and I was left again with the feeling I would never be the one on top. I would forever be second runner up in this battle of contest Love*.
And here I find myself again, awaiting the final rose. After almost two years of being convinced that I was left incapable of feeling again, it having been shut off the day he disappeared, has been torn open in a matter of a night. Suddenly, I can feel again. And it scares the shit out of me. He told me yesterday it's between me and her. He has to make a decision, and it won't be easy. In my mind...I'm the obvious choice, how could I not be? But then I look at my track record, the odds are against me. Except, maybe it's about damn time I do get the final rose. I mean, one of these days, I'll have to end up in first place. Life isn't that cruel.
At least give me my final date, Chris. Or surprise me with more time like you did for Charlie with that annoying chick Krisiley and innocent Sarah B. I'm tired of waiting my turn, knowing my time will come. I'm ready for my turn to be now. I have too much to give.
The rose ceremonies have not only run it's course for me, but for primetime as well. I'm done competing. And really, you should be too.
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*Painfully cheesy, I know. But it serves it's purpose for dramatic emphasis quite nicely.
I believe it began in high school, with E. My little hippie boyfriend, who brought feelings out I had yet to experience. After 3 months of being with me, he calls me up to break the news. He had had a girlfriend. OF. 3. YEARS. He felt horribly guilty, and eventually went back to her. Later, I began dating R in the class below me. It was exciting. It was as hot as a high school relationship could get. But after 3 weeks, he had told me he didn't want a girlfriend, he wasn't ready for one. It was within a week he started dating my friend, of whom he stayed with FOR. 3. YEARS.
Then there was H in college. He left for a course in Prague after an incredible month of being together, leaving with promises of thoughts and words of hope. We would pick this back up when he came back, this he was sure. The first week he was gone, he said he missed me and didn't think it was going to be as bad as it turned out to be. Then the email became more and more sparse, the conversations generic and painful. When he came back he said he had felt nothing. When I kissed him, it was blank. I asked if he had met someone, and he said yes.
Then, after a few interspersed between, there was, as you are familiar with (and undoubtedly annoyed with hearing about)...the Ghost. I had met him in the post office. He was standing at the counter, for what seemed like an eternity. Our eyes met, I smiled. Before I left, I looked one more time and his eyes had never left me. I smiled once more, assuming that would be the last I would see of him. My friends convinced me after work that night to meet them at the bar for a round of darts. I walked in, and it was as if his eyes had been with me the entire day into the night. There he was, the guy from the post office. The Ghost. We spent what would be the most incredible few weeks of my life. But inevitably, he was left with a choice. His wife (yes, his WIFE) ended up with the prize (rightly so, I do admit), and I was left again with the feeling I would never be the one on top. I would forever be second runner up in this battle of contest Love*.
And here I find myself again, awaiting the final rose. After almost two years of being convinced that I was left incapable of feeling again, it having been shut off the day he disappeared, has been torn open in a matter of a night. Suddenly, I can feel again. And it scares the shit out of me. He told me yesterday it's between me and her. He has to make a decision, and it won't be easy. In my mind...I'm the obvious choice, how could I not be? But then I look at my track record, the odds are against me. Except, maybe it's about damn time I do get the final rose. I mean, one of these days, I'll have to end up in first place. Life isn't that cruel.
At least give me my final date, Chris. Or surprise me with more time like you did for Charlie with that annoying chick Krisiley and innocent Sarah B. I'm tired of waiting my turn, knowing my time will come. I'm ready for my turn to be now. I have too much to give.
The rose ceremonies have not only run it's course for me, but for primetime as well. I'm done competing. And really, you should be too.
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*Painfully cheesy, I know. But it serves it's purpose for dramatic emphasis quite nicely.
Friday, May 20
Conspiracy Theory
I'm not sure exactly when it happened, folks, but somewhere along the lines, things went backwards on me. For the majority of my adult and teenage life, I've had to talk myself out of wanting to be..um..."with" someone. Now. I'm trying to talk myself into wanting it entirely. What happened? Did I step outside of myself at some point, and not find my way back in? Am I really 25 and not wanting a sexy and willing, definitely hot and incredible, man? What is wrong with me?! Can someone PLEASE. TELL. ME!
Nevermind. I'll tell you what's wrong with me. It's been wrong with me right along with what's been right with me all these years. My mind is somewhere else. With someone else. OF COURSE. Why would it be so simple that I would actually be WITH that someone else...both physically and mentally.
BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE IS EVIL. It apparently has a conspiracy against me. I'm decidedly taking revenge. Yes. You heard me. DECIDEDLY.
Watch out world. I'm taking me a fabulously delicious young man. Because I'm done letting your plans for me direct my path. I'm creating my own.
TAKE THAT!
Nevermind. I'll tell you what's wrong with me. It's been wrong with me right along with what's been right with me all these years. My mind is somewhere else. With someone else. OF COURSE. Why would it be so simple that I would actually be WITH that someone else...both physically and mentally.
BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE IS EVIL. It apparently has a conspiracy against me. I'm decidedly taking revenge. Yes. You heard me. DECIDEDLY.
Watch out world. I'm taking me a fabulously delicious young man. Because I'm done letting your plans for me direct my path. I'm creating my own.
TAKE THAT!
Thursday, May 12
What's so wrong with dating myself?
Some people have told me that maybe I need time off from dating, time to myself. What they don't know is even though I may be lucky in regards to getting dates, not once have I been emotionally involved in any of them except for one, and that was almost two years ago. Which translates to so much time to myself, I start wondering half-way through the evening, whether I'll get myself lucky that night, regardless of whether or not I paid for my dinner. Dating seems to have become a form of entertainment lately. Only the entertainment is now effecting how I think. I'm no longer as excited as I should be; I worry, I analyze, I think of cancelling because I wonder: what's the point? Chances are, I'm not going to be interested in him. Then I'm continuously avoiding phone calls and coming up with excuses not to go out with them again. I'm not saying all this to complain that my life is rough because all these guys like me; I'm not, I know I'm fortunate...I'm just wondering if these will forever be my options. Lackluster males with too-large of egos that are incapable of taking hints easily, or giving up at the first sign of no interest, that I couldn't be more blatant about. I don't want dates. I want emotional involvement. A glimmer of something to help me realize I'm not what I fear most: incapable of feeling anything but annoyance.
Yesterday, unexpectedly, a little bit of that glimmer found it's way to my desk. But my issue (I always have issues) with all this is I've started expecting the glimmer to be fake, to burst as soon as we begin our first conversation, before the food has even reached our table. The frustrating part of it all (although it may not seem it), is that I tell myself to be hopeful, as I'm fully aware that being pessimistic might very well be the pin that is bursting the bubble. I try to supress the voice in my head that's questioning whether it's worth it anymore. I try to make the voice that thinks maybe this time it will be right, loud enough to drown out the negative.
Then again, maybe it won't be so bad dating myself for a while longer...at least I control whether or not I get lucky. And I'm fully capable of getting the hint. As long as that optimistic voice stays drowned, that is.
Yesterday, unexpectedly, a little bit of that glimmer found it's way to my desk. But my issue (I always have issues) with all this is I've started expecting the glimmer to be fake, to burst as soon as we begin our first conversation, before the food has even reached our table. The frustrating part of it all (although it may not seem it), is that I tell myself to be hopeful, as I'm fully aware that being pessimistic might very well be the pin that is bursting the bubble. I try to supress the voice in my head that's questioning whether it's worth it anymore. I try to make the voice that thinks maybe this time it will be right, loud enough to drown out the negative.
Then again, maybe it won't be so bad dating myself for a while longer...at least I control whether or not I get lucky. And I'm fully capable of getting the hint. As long as that optimistic voice stays drowned, that is.
Tuesday, April 26
Sunday, a day of love for yours truly. Or not.
Okay, so this is what happened. After approximately 15 minutes at the windy, cold beach, he offered me a choice. "Do you want to stick around a while longer, or head back?" I said I could do either, and asked his preference. He said he'd like to go back, as he had some stuff he could get done. Hmm..where was this stuff when I invited him to come with me? After the weird silence moments before, I figured the stuff must have miraculously appeared. On the way home, he seemed to be overly annoyed with Took's pacing, which in turn annoyed me. Before we made it to the house, I recognized the signs immediately. Hell, I've perfected the actions. The cd came out of the player blocks before the house, he held his camera and jacket in one hand, and the other hand was grabbing the bag. If he had had another free, he would've had it on the door handle, ready to jump out before I had even stopped. He said goodbye with no eye contact as he had one foot out the door.
So my only conclusions are these: he must have either (a) really had to go to the bathroom after he ate his sandwich, (b) remembered he left the coffee maker on, (c) this "stuff" he spoke about included solving the AIDS crisis and ridding the world of hatred and crime and he came up with the solution at the beach, or (d) he was intimidated by my beauty and could no longer handle being in the presence of such perfection.
I'll leave it up to you, reader, to decide which one the correct answer is...but I'm banking on (d).
So my only conclusions are these: he must have either (a) really had to go to the bathroom after he ate his sandwich, (b) remembered he left the coffee maker on, (c) this "stuff" he spoke about included solving the AIDS crisis and ridding the world of hatred and crime and he came up with the solution at the beach, or (d) he was intimidated by my beauty and could no longer handle being in the presence of such perfection.
I'll leave it up to you, reader, to decide which one the correct answer is...but I'm banking on (d).
Monday, April 25
An unexpected Monday (and Sunday, too...but more about that later).
I was planning on coming in today and tell you about how I was so unappealing to someone that I actually made him bolt out of my car as fast as he could; and as entertaining as that would have been for you, the news I heard this morning made that whole situation seem silly and insignificant. I was greeted at the door by a fellow worker asking if I had heard the news. I would not have been surprised if the news of the disgust I had apparently placed in my new friend over the weekend had traveled so quickly, but I figured that was probably not it. He proceeded to tell me that a coworker of mine's husband had passed away over the weekend. The tears came instantly and I was filled with pain and sorrow immediately. I am very close to her as she has become a sort-of surrogate mother for me, her advice I would be lost without. She is a comedic, blunt, and honest woman, and I adored her husband. Together they were an incredible example of humor, life, and love. It is too soon for that to be so quickly disrupted. You feel so helpless in a time like this because nothing that you can do or say will ever fill that void. The one thing that would come close to filling it, ironically, is laughter. But not just any laughter...teary-eyed, from-the-gut laughter. The kind of laughter he envoked effortlessly.
I wish I had known him longer, spent just one more afternoon at their house hearing stories before he left.
I would have made it a point to laugh harder.
I wish I had known him longer, spent just one more afternoon at their house hearing stories before he left.
I would have made it a point to laugh harder.
Friday, April 22
The easiest break-up in the history of break-ups.
Ok, so this is how it went down:
him: what you thinking about?
me: well, i was kind of wondering what was going on with us.
him: yeah, me too.
me: um, it's not really working. i just think it's really bad timing.
him: no, it's totally my fault. i just have no time, and i didn't put enough time into our relationship.
me: no, please...it's not your fault. you just have a lot going on right now, and i don't expect to get that from you.
him: no, it is my fault. i'm sorry.
me: that's ok. it just wasn't meant to be right now.
him: but we'll still hang out.
me: totally.
me: do you see that guy that looks like a captain next to us, hat and all?
him: it's the skipper!
me: the skipper's an asshole, he's totally not letting you over.
him: damn skipper.
Seriously, it was a little alarming just how easy it was. Compared to my last break-up that included threats of suicide and constant redials, I'm thinking I could get used to this breaking-up-thing. Next!
him: what you thinking about?
me: well, i was kind of wondering what was going on with us.
him: yeah, me too.
me: um, it's not really working. i just think it's really bad timing.
him: no, it's totally my fault. i just have no time, and i didn't put enough time into our relationship.
me: no, please...it's not your fault. you just have a lot going on right now, and i don't expect to get that from you.
him: no, it is my fault. i'm sorry.
me: that's ok. it just wasn't meant to be right now.
him: but we'll still hang out.
me: totally.
me: do you see that guy that looks like a captain next to us, hat and all?
him: it's the skipper!
me: the skipper's an asshole, he's totally not letting you over.
him: damn skipper.
Seriously, it was a little alarming just how easy it was. Compared to my last break-up that included threats of suicide and constant redials, I'm thinking I could get used to this breaking-up-thing. Next!
Tuesday, April 19
Not A Good Thing.
Can someone please explain to me why Martha Stewart will now have her own station on Sirius? It claims to provide "advice and inspiration." Inspiration?! INSPIRATION?! Everyone, go get Sirius so we can all be inspired to lie. But don't worry...if you get sent to prison, you'll lose weight and come out wearing a poncho knitted by fellow inmates.
Guys, I'll admit, I like Martha Stewart Living. But an entire radio station dedicated to her may be a bit much. That's all I'm saying.
That and you should go out and commit fraud. You apparently only benefit from it. I mean, you get a hand-knitted poncho out of it and everything.
Guys, I'll admit, I like Martha Stewart Living. But an entire radio station dedicated to her may be a bit much. That's all I'm saying.
That and you should go out and commit fraud. You apparently only benefit from it. I mean, you get a hand-knitted poncho out of it and everything.
Monday, April 18
Sometimes, life is alllll-right.
This weekend was unusually, and surprisingly, an incredible 2 days. As a result of having this weirdly interesting and event-filled time, I'm going to tell you all about it as not to forget that every once in a while, I actually do truly enjoy my life.
Friday night, I was invited to go see Hank Williams III (or, as I like to call him, Hank Williams Jr. III - but was pointed out by my good friend T. that this is rather incorrect...but I digress) at a local shady club here in Providence. I was a little skeptical having not really been a fan of country music, but as being fairy open-minded to all music, I agreed to go. First, however, I was invited to go to a Pawsox game with some friends of mine for opening night at the stadium. (Pawsox is a minor league team for the Red Sox, for those of you who may not know) My impressions of the 2005 season opener -- it was freezing, crowded, and freezing. But all that aside, it was fun to be there, as baseball is surely a sign of warmer weather to come...as well as cheap beer in plastic cups, it's a sign of that too. Ah...summer. After the game, it was Hank time. (well, techinically, it was go to a bar with a friend of mine who is interested in me, to only be showed off to his friends all the while "getting a drink" before Hank time...but that's a story for another time.) We showed up to the show an hour after he was supposed to start (because of getting a drink beforehand at a separate bar) and he was already well into his first set. If you are not familiar the with III, as I was not prior to this, he plays two types of music, a country-rock like kind and punk. My impression is that he basically only plays the country-rock to get people to his shows, and the punk because that's what he's truly into. The country-rock set was incredible, and I am not a country-music fan usually. But it was more than country; it was intense, energetic, fierce. I had a smile on my face the entire time, his excitement was thrown to the rowdy crowd below him. Besides the incredibly scary zombie-skeleton-like bass player with a mohawk, they had a very addicting stage presence. Then...they started playing punk. It was awful. Having never been a fan of punk-music, I couldn't have disliked it more. I was irritated we missed out on more of the beginning to get a drink at a different bar. Did I mention we had to go to a different bar in order to get a drink before we went to a bar? We hung around a while longer so that I could further be showed off to his friends, then I left to head home.*
Saturday I spent the morning stuffing envelopes. I believe I only got 500 of the 3000 I'm supposed to stuff done before I couldn't stand being inside any longer. Took and I headed for the park. It felt amazing out. We walked on the trails for a good hour before I decided to try out the dog park in the city for something different to do with Took. We pull up to the fenced-in park and sat in the car for a few minutes before making the decision to actually try it out. I was hesitant because I've only known Took to be ok around one dog at a time - but 10 different ones, I wasn't so sure about. We step out of the car and all of the dogs in the park come running to my car and start barking in unison at the new dog on the other side of the fence. I thought twice about going straight into the mass of tooth-bearing canines, but was assured by one of the owners on the other side, that they do that to every dog on the other side. The second Took gets on the other side, he's like the new kid on the playground. All the dogs chase him around in one big mass, each trying to get their turn at smelling the new guy. I felt so bad for him, but he didn't seem to mind. The entire time I was like a new mother dropping her first child off at day care for the first time. I was following him around hoping he'd be liked by the other dogs, and not picked on or outcast. Poor guy, though, all he wanted to do was play and all the other dogs were too involved in their games of fetch with various dirt-and-spit0laden tennis balls. (Took is above tennis balls or any game that involves human interaction - we are simply for feeding and scratching bellies.) There was every kind of dog possible there, including a poodle that was the bullie of the park, despite the other dogs viewing him as a hurdle, rather than a playmate. We left with Took panting and exhausted from a fun-filled day of parks and Poodle-bullies.
Saturday night I went to see an artist that I have been wanting so badly to see live, Alison Krauss. I actually feel blessed to have been able to see her perform, she was that good. Her presence seemed that of someone just starting out, excited to finally be doing something that she loved. Her performance, however, was that of someone who had been doing it her whole life. It was breathtaking, inspiring. It was a perfect combination that led to an impressive two hours of amazing bluegrass. She ended the show with an accoustic rendition of Down to the River to Play that was so beautiful, that had I not been so heartless lately, I would've cried. I drove home with a smile on my face, what a way to spend an evening. Although, it definitely made me miss the mountains of North Carolina..tremendously.
And now, for the grand finale: yesterday I went to Fenway to see the Sox play. It was quite unexpected. My friend had an extra ticket and invited me along. So after a brunch with some friends, we headed to Boston. The weather was perfect, our seats incredible (more so after the 4th inning when we moved four rows back in between 3rd base and home plate). After the game we ate in Chinatown at a vegetarian Chinese restaurant. Everything on the menu was listed as meat in quotations, like "Beef" with vegetables in garlic sauce. I had what was the closest thing to beef teriaki in 10 years. It was delish.
Now I need a weekend to recover from my weekend. Usually, I don't look forward to packed weekends. However, these two and half days, I didn't look forward. It was the first time in a while that I was happy and content doing whatever it was I was doing at that moment. I am so lucky sometimes.
--------
*I do actually really enjoy the company of my friend, I don't want to give off that I do not. He is incredibly interesting and a kind person. I am not, however, interested in him as more than a friend. I just don't have the balls to tell him this just yet.
Friday night, I was invited to go see Hank Williams III (or, as I like to call him, Hank Williams Jr. III - but was pointed out by my good friend T. that this is rather incorrect...but I digress) at a local shady club here in Providence. I was a little skeptical having not really been a fan of country music, but as being fairy open-minded to all music, I agreed to go. First, however, I was invited to go to a Pawsox game with some friends of mine for opening night at the stadium. (Pawsox is a minor league team for the Red Sox, for those of you who may not know) My impressions of the 2005 season opener -- it was freezing, crowded, and freezing. But all that aside, it was fun to be there, as baseball is surely a sign of warmer weather to come...as well as cheap beer in plastic cups, it's a sign of that too. Ah...summer. After the game, it was Hank time. (well, techinically, it was go to a bar with a friend of mine who is interested in me, to only be showed off to his friends all the while "getting a drink" before Hank time...but that's a story for another time.) We showed up to the show an hour after he was supposed to start (because of getting a drink beforehand at a separate bar) and he was already well into his first set. If you are not familiar the with III, as I was not prior to this, he plays two types of music, a country-rock like kind and punk. My impression is that he basically only plays the country-rock to get people to his shows, and the punk because that's what he's truly into. The country-rock set was incredible, and I am not a country-music fan usually. But it was more than country; it was intense, energetic, fierce. I had a smile on my face the entire time, his excitement was thrown to the rowdy crowd below him. Besides the incredibly scary zombie-skeleton-like bass player with a mohawk, they had a very addicting stage presence. Then...they started playing punk. It was awful. Having never been a fan of punk-music, I couldn't have disliked it more. I was irritated we missed out on more of the beginning to get a drink at a different bar. Did I mention we had to go to a different bar in order to get a drink before we went to a bar? We hung around a while longer so that I could further be showed off to his friends, then I left to head home.*
Saturday I spent the morning stuffing envelopes. I believe I only got 500 of the 3000 I'm supposed to stuff done before I couldn't stand being inside any longer. Took and I headed for the park. It felt amazing out. We walked on the trails for a good hour before I decided to try out the dog park in the city for something different to do with Took. We pull up to the fenced-in park and sat in the car for a few minutes before making the decision to actually try it out. I was hesitant because I've only known Took to be ok around one dog at a time - but 10 different ones, I wasn't so sure about. We step out of the car and all of the dogs in the park come running to my car and start barking in unison at the new dog on the other side of the fence. I thought twice about going straight into the mass of tooth-bearing canines, but was assured by one of the owners on the other side, that they do that to every dog on the other side. The second Took gets on the other side, he's like the new kid on the playground. All the dogs chase him around in one big mass, each trying to get their turn at smelling the new guy. I felt so bad for him, but he didn't seem to mind. The entire time I was like a new mother dropping her first child off at day care for the first time. I was following him around hoping he'd be liked by the other dogs, and not picked on or outcast. Poor guy, though, all he wanted to do was play and all the other dogs were too involved in their games of fetch with various dirt-and-spit0laden tennis balls. (Took is above tennis balls or any game that involves human interaction - we are simply for feeding and scratching bellies.) There was every kind of dog possible there, including a poodle that was the bullie of the park, despite the other dogs viewing him as a hurdle, rather than a playmate. We left with Took panting and exhausted from a fun-filled day of parks and Poodle-bullies.
Saturday night I went to see an artist that I have been wanting so badly to see live, Alison Krauss. I actually feel blessed to have been able to see her perform, she was that good. Her presence seemed that of someone just starting out, excited to finally be doing something that she loved. Her performance, however, was that of someone who had been doing it her whole life. It was breathtaking, inspiring. It was a perfect combination that led to an impressive two hours of amazing bluegrass. She ended the show with an accoustic rendition of Down to the River to Play that was so beautiful, that had I not been so heartless lately, I would've cried. I drove home with a smile on my face, what a way to spend an evening. Although, it definitely made me miss the mountains of North Carolina..tremendously.
And now, for the grand finale: yesterday I went to Fenway to see the Sox play. It was quite unexpected. My friend had an extra ticket and invited me along. So after a brunch with some friends, we headed to Boston. The weather was perfect, our seats incredible (more so after the 4th inning when we moved four rows back in between 3rd base and home plate). After the game we ate in Chinatown at a vegetarian Chinese restaurant. Everything on the menu was listed as meat in quotations, like "Beef" with vegetables in garlic sauce. I had what was the closest thing to beef teriaki in 10 years. It was delish.
Now I need a weekend to recover from my weekend. Usually, I don't look forward to packed weekends. However, these two and half days, I didn't look forward. It was the first time in a while that I was happy and content doing whatever it was I was doing at that moment. I am so lucky sometimes.
--------
*I do actually really enjoy the company of my friend, I don't want to give off that I do not. He is incredibly interesting and a kind person. I am not, however, interested in him as more than a friend. I just don't have the balls to tell him this just yet.
Thursday, April 14
Wednesday, April 13
The Ghost
You came over that last night with so much running through your head. Your eyes filled with tears, I begged you to stay. You said you wouldn't, you wanted me to sleep and you knew I couldn't with you there. I didn't care, something was making me keep you there.
I let you fall asleep the way you were laying when we spoke our last words. When you were asleep, it seemed as if your pain didn't exist and I could fool myself into thinking everything was right. You were on top of my covers, but I curled up next to you and pulled over the corner that was left; it barely covered my hip. I didn't sleep that night, afraid if I moved or made even a small adjustment, you would wake up and leave. I didn't want to risk that, something in me told me that would be the last time I would see you, I wanted to feel you next to me as long as I could. I feared the pain of having that blanket to myself.
In the few weeks we had, I discovered what I was capable of feeling. Before that, the love I once knew now seemed young and unrecognizable compared to what I felt in the presense of your life. The fact that this was not our decision, this couldn't possibly be the fate we were meant to have, was helplessness I also had never previously known. When you woke, the goodbye at the door has since been frozen in my thoughts. The light from the windows, the morning confusion of no sleep, the way the porch would feel once you walked off it for the last time.
You were forced to disappear after that, and I'm forever left laying next to you on the bed with the corner of the blanket trying not to wake you. I'm still not ready for you to wake up and leave.
I let you fall asleep the way you were laying when we spoke our last words. When you were asleep, it seemed as if your pain didn't exist and I could fool myself into thinking everything was right. You were on top of my covers, but I curled up next to you and pulled over the corner that was left; it barely covered my hip. I didn't sleep that night, afraid if I moved or made even a small adjustment, you would wake up and leave. I didn't want to risk that, something in me told me that would be the last time I would see you, I wanted to feel you next to me as long as I could. I feared the pain of having that blanket to myself.
In the few weeks we had, I discovered what I was capable of feeling. Before that, the love I once knew now seemed young and unrecognizable compared to what I felt in the presense of your life. The fact that this was not our decision, this couldn't possibly be the fate we were meant to have, was helplessness I also had never previously known. When you woke, the goodbye at the door has since been frozen in my thoughts. The light from the windows, the morning confusion of no sleep, the way the porch would feel once you walked off it for the last time.
You were forced to disappear after that, and I'm forever left laying next to you on the bed with the corner of the blanket trying not to wake you. I'm still not ready for you to wake up and leave.
Thursday, March 24
Mother Nature didn't get the memo.
This morning:
Can someone please pass it on to her that's it's Spring? The season of flowers, sunshine, and mud. Somewhere along the lines, she got confused.
Even though it has snowed in Rhode Island since, well, before it was Rhode Island, the people in this state refuse to actually admit that it happens. Therefore, the roads barely get plowed and rarely get sanded.
I had actually cleaned my car off about 15 minutes prior to this picture. And just so you know, the breakdown occurred this morning before I even left the driveway. Do you agree I need a vacation?
Can someone please pass it on to her that's it's Spring? The season of flowers, sunshine, and mud. Somewhere along the lines, she got confused.
Even though it has snowed in Rhode Island since, well, before it was Rhode Island, the people in this state refuse to actually admit that it happens. Therefore, the roads barely get plowed and rarely get sanded.
I had actually cleaned my car off about 15 minutes prior to this picture. And just so you know, the breakdown occurred this morning before I even left the driveway. Do you agree I need a vacation?
Wednesday, March 23
I'm already there, just don't tell my boss.
The week before a vacation, I might as well not even show up to work. I am useless. Mentally, I'm already in the hot tub in North Carolina with my fellow girls sipping on whiskey and Coke.
I'm going back to my college town next week with 8 other girls (and two very brave men) to stay in a rented cabin in the woods by a waterfall. I can only imagine what types of things will occur in this cabin and in town. I have never had more fun than the times I am with these particular girls. They are amazing individuals, each bringing to the group their personal qualities that would leave us feeling lop-sided and dysfunctional if one were missing*. One spring while we were still in school, we spent a week in a family cottage in Nag's Head. I convinced everyone to run around naked on the beach after dark one night. It's exhilerating and releasing; I've been a long-time fan of the naked-beach-running that actually started in the Outerbanks, so what an appropriate place to introduce others to it's freeing capabilities. I do remember photos being taken, though. Hm...I'm wondering where those are. If I ever plan on running for president, I'm sure that's when they will resurface. The next year we spent a week at a condo in Grand Cayman. I have never in my entire life had a vacation where I did absolutely-fucking-nothing. We did nothing. We woke up, stepped out the front door onto the beach and lounged the rest of the day. Occasionally, one or two would go snorkeling, but it didn't last long...soon they'd be back in their chairs snoozing under the canopy or baking in the sun. It was deliciously guilt-ridden, and I loved every second of it. Trust me, when you're only essential decision of the day is whether or not to mix the cocktails before noon or wait until the mid-morning nap has commenced, the vacation lasts much longer. Forget sight-seeing and adventures, this was a true vacation.
Now we are attempting Round 3 of the estrogen-gatherings. This time, it's been years since we've been together, and I can only imagine what is going to happen. I'm pretty sure there will be no naked-beach-running, considering we opted for mountains and waterfalls this time, but I can almost bet on there being nakedness involved at some point. (No, I will not give you the address of our cabin. And no, we will not post pictures. Well, ok, we might. I did, afterall, learn how to post pictures on this thing finally!)
Girls, I can't wait to see you all. It has been way too long, and I'm in need of a little craziness in my excruciatingly boring life. Watch out mountains of North Carolina, you may have let us all go, but we're coming back with vengeance. See you in a week, gals!
-------
*Technically, one is missing. But we're going to balance out the dysfunctional-feeling with plenty of alchohol; which will, in turn, make us more dysfunctional, but definitely a more tolerable dysfunction.
I'm going back to my college town next week with 8 other girls (and two very brave men) to stay in a rented cabin in the woods by a waterfall. I can only imagine what types of things will occur in this cabin and in town. I have never had more fun than the times I am with these particular girls. They are amazing individuals, each bringing to the group their personal qualities that would leave us feeling lop-sided and dysfunctional if one were missing*. One spring while we were still in school, we spent a week in a family cottage in Nag's Head. I convinced everyone to run around naked on the beach after dark one night. It's exhilerating and releasing; I've been a long-time fan of the naked-beach-running that actually started in the Outerbanks, so what an appropriate place to introduce others to it's freeing capabilities. I do remember photos being taken, though. Hm...I'm wondering where those are. If I ever plan on running for president, I'm sure that's when they will resurface. The next year we spent a week at a condo in Grand Cayman. I have never in my entire life had a vacation where I did absolutely-fucking-nothing. We did nothing. We woke up, stepped out the front door onto the beach and lounged the rest of the day. Occasionally, one or two would go snorkeling, but it didn't last long...soon they'd be back in their chairs snoozing under the canopy or baking in the sun. It was deliciously guilt-ridden, and I loved every second of it. Trust me, when you're only essential decision of the day is whether or not to mix the cocktails before noon or wait until the mid-morning nap has commenced, the vacation lasts much longer. Forget sight-seeing and adventures, this was a true vacation.
Now we are attempting Round 3 of the estrogen-gatherings. This time, it's been years since we've been together, and I can only imagine what is going to happen. I'm pretty sure there will be no naked-beach-running, considering we opted for mountains and waterfalls this time, but I can almost bet on there being nakedness involved at some point. (No, I will not give you the address of our cabin. And no, we will not post pictures. Well, ok, we might. I did, afterall, learn how to post pictures on this thing finally!)
Girls, I can't wait to see you all. It has been way too long, and I'm in need of a little craziness in my excruciatingly boring life. Watch out mountains of North Carolina, you may have let us all go, but we're coming back with vengeance. See you in a week, gals!
-------
*Technically, one is missing. But we're going to balance out the dysfunctional-feeling with plenty of alchohol; which will, in turn, make us more dysfunctional, but definitely a more tolerable dysfunction.
Tuesday, March 22
Pictures have arrived!
Ok, so FINALLY I've taken the time to figure out how to post photos. I chose to use Photobucket in place of the popular Flickr. I have no reason for that, except that it seemed as if everyone is using Flickr, and the name "Photobucket" has a rather child-like-dirty-joke appeal. Since the decision to figure it out today was rather random, you're just getting a picture of the cutest Malamute on the planet earth, one I have spoken about here and here.
Yay Pictures! Now, when I'm at a loss for words, I'll just post cool pictures and all three of you can talk amongst yourselves.
Friday, March 18
The post of turned-around luck and most likely poor grammar.
Happy (late) St. Patrick's Day!
Yesterday, I had quite the day, so I thought I would just tell you all about it...but we'll just fast forward to after work, shall we? T and I were walking to our cars as usual, and we had just passed the last overhang when I felt a drop on my head. Instantly, I knew what had happened. I turned to T, "I just got shit on, didn't I?!" She looked at my head, and started cracking up, "Yes!" I proceeded to exclaim, "Get it off! Get it off!" like a bird myself, flapping my arms all panick-stricken like a 5-year old who just, well, got shit on. She went into the closest store and got a paper towel from the clerk who then said to T, "Tell her shit happens." (HA! REAL original lady! Do you have shit in your hair? I don't think so! Keep selling really expensive outdoor clothing so rich preppies can look like they just stepped off a rock face on their way to their Mercedes SUV, sipping their lattes!) She was able to get the majority of the nasty poo (no, it wasn't green for St. Patty's Day) out of my hair and I avoided touching that area of my head for the rest of the commute home.
But then I got to thinking that old folklore says getting pooped on by a bird is good luck. Then I realized it was St. Patrick's Day, and that means it was double the luck! So from now on, you can be sure to only expect uplifting, positive posts from yours truly.*
I would like to say that starting right away I did things like win the lottery or lose the pounds I've gained being depressed the last 3 months, but no, I didn't...but at least I now have the faith they might happen, even if shit was what it took to get there. I did, however, have a wonderful night with some incredible women, and I ran into two of the most wonderful people I have met in this city in the bar later that night, who I hadn't seen in months. THEN was awoken at 5 a.m. by a phone call from an anonymous number that later turned out to be a very sexy man (on the west coast - hence, the 5 a.m. call) who I had dated for few months last year just calling to, "Wish me a happy st. patty's, and that he was thinking about me."
So overall, I would say my luck has turned around. Or, I can just say my night was pretty damn good for this sort-of-Irish-woman. But I'll keep you posted. Because the past has shown this doesn't usually last.
----
*This does not, however, make me exempt from the usual bitchy-complaining-hate-the-world posts that you have come to know quite well. I mean, afterall, I did GET SHIT ON.
Yesterday, I had quite the day, so I thought I would just tell you all about it...but we'll just fast forward to after work, shall we? T and I were walking to our cars as usual, and we had just passed the last overhang when I felt a drop on my head. Instantly, I knew what had happened. I turned to T, "I just got shit on, didn't I?!" She looked at my head, and started cracking up, "Yes!" I proceeded to exclaim, "Get it off! Get it off!" like a bird myself, flapping my arms all panick-stricken like a 5-year old who just, well, got shit on. She went into the closest store and got a paper towel from the clerk who then said to T, "Tell her shit happens." (HA! REAL original lady! Do you have shit in your hair? I don't think so! Keep selling really expensive outdoor clothing so rich preppies can look like they just stepped off a rock face on their way to their Mercedes SUV, sipping their lattes!) She was able to get the majority of the nasty poo (no, it wasn't green for St. Patty's Day) out of my hair and I avoided touching that area of my head for the rest of the commute home.
But then I got to thinking that old folklore says getting pooped on by a bird is good luck. Then I realized it was St. Patrick's Day, and that means it was double the luck! So from now on, you can be sure to only expect uplifting, positive posts from yours truly.*
I would like to say that starting right away I did things like win the lottery or lose the pounds I've gained being depressed the last 3 months, but no, I didn't...but at least I now have the faith they might happen, even if shit was what it took to get there. I did, however, have a wonderful night with some incredible women, and I ran into two of the most wonderful people I have met in this city in the bar later that night, who I hadn't seen in months. THEN was awoken at 5 a.m. by a phone call from an anonymous number that later turned out to be a very sexy man (on the west coast - hence, the 5 a.m. call) who I had dated for few months last year just calling to, "Wish me a happy st. patty's, and that he was thinking about me."
So overall, I would say my luck has turned around. Or, I can just say my night was pretty damn good for this sort-of-Irish-woman. But I'll keep you posted. Because the past has shown this doesn't usually last.
----
*This does not, however, make me exempt from the usual bitchy-complaining-hate-the-world posts that you have come to know quite well. I mean, afterall, I did GET SHIT ON.
Wednesday, March 9
I swear I used to be happy and fun and not so bitter. No, really.
This is the summary of my last 20 hours that will make you either very happy you live where you do in the warmth, or you experienced something very similar and will agree completely:
Last night, after I left work, I get to my car to find a parking ticket and a layer of ice plastering said ticket to the car. I try to tear it off, and it rips in three. I then attempt to get into my car, all the while trying to close my umbrella that is being turned inside-out by the wind, therefore causing me to whack my head on the door frame of my car, instantly giving me a splitting headache.
The drive home is the worst I have ever experienced. I get home and take my dog outside and fall hard on my right side, hitting my head on the ice-covered road. The headache that had been started from my door frame, is then multiplied by the whacking of my head against the road. I'm also left with a cramped neck and bruises on my hip. (yes, I am 80 years old)
Fast-forward to this morning's commute...
I let my car warm up for a good 15 minutes, but it does nothing..my windshield wipers still refuse to actually touch the windshield, despite de-icing them and removing all snow from under the blades. I then drive the entire way while trying to squint through the backwash on my windshield that will not be removed by my stubborn wipers. My heater breaks, so I'm sweltering hot in my car. I stop at the gas station to wipe off the window and the fluid I use freezes to my windshield. So I attempt to continue the drive blind. I get into the city and get cut off twice by the same woman..but since my horn is broken, all the rage that would've been released by using my horn, is built up inside and I start yelling at her, hoping she can hear me through BOTH CARS. I'm pretty sure she just had a good laugh because of all the hand gestures I was performing in her direction.
I show up to work 20 minutes late, angry and feeling like I am literally about to have a mental breakdown..for the 2nd time this winter.
I usually back New England up when people are curious why we want to live here, why we would deal with the cold. I can usually do this, fight for why this part of the country is incredible. And it is, but right now, I'm having a hard time remembering why that is. Instead, I'm thinking of ways I can get out of the cold and snow as soon as possible. This winter has been relentless. And it's ironic, because this is the first winter since I can remember that I've actually enjoyed the snow....until now.
I guess we're tough up here. But I'm not feeling so tough any more. Enough with winter...SPRING, WHERE ARE YOU?!
Last night, after I left work, I get to my car to find a parking ticket and a layer of ice plastering said ticket to the car. I try to tear it off, and it rips in three. I then attempt to get into my car, all the while trying to close my umbrella that is being turned inside-out by the wind, therefore causing me to whack my head on the door frame of my car, instantly giving me a splitting headache.
The drive home is the worst I have ever experienced. I get home and take my dog outside and fall hard on my right side, hitting my head on the ice-covered road. The headache that had been started from my door frame, is then multiplied by the whacking of my head against the road. I'm also left with a cramped neck and bruises on my hip. (yes, I am 80 years old)
Fast-forward to this morning's commute...
I let my car warm up for a good 15 minutes, but it does nothing..my windshield wipers still refuse to actually touch the windshield, despite de-icing them and removing all snow from under the blades. I then drive the entire way while trying to squint through the backwash on my windshield that will not be removed by my stubborn wipers. My heater breaks, so I'm sweltering hot in my car. I stop at the gas station to wipe off the window and the fluid I use freezes to my windshield. So I attempt to continue the drive blind. I get into the city and get cut off twice by the same woman..but since my horn is broken, all the rage that would've been released by using my horn, is built up inside and I start yelling at her, hoping she can hear me through BOTH CARS. I'm pretty sure she just had a good laugh because of all the hand gestures I was performing in her direction.
I show up to work 20 minutes late, angry and feeling like I am literally about to have a mental breakdown..for the 2nd time this winter.
I usually back New England up when people are curious why we want to live here, why we would deal with the cold. I can usually do this, fight for why this part of the country is incredible. And it is, but right now, I'm having a hard time remembering why that is. Instead, I'm thinking of ways I can get out of the cold and snow as soon as possible. This winter has been relentless. And it's ironic, because this is the first winter since I can remember that I've actually enjoyed the snow....until now.
I guess we're tough up here. But I'm not feeling so tough any more. Enough with winter...SPRING, WHERE ARE YOU?!
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