A new home.

If there is anyone left out there, or someone somehow finds this, I thought I'd lead you here. I'm a different person than who I was on these pages....but without these pages, I wouldn't be who I am now.

Hope to see you over there.

c.

Man Weekend, Continued.

I went out to my car last night and there was porn on the movie screen that had been set up in the field the day before, and 30 men screaming and yelling with a bonfire behind them.

I ran back inside and locked the doors. Can I die of too much exposure to testosterone? If it won't be that, it will be of the image I have in my head of the 20-feet-too-much close-up action shot I had the pleasure of viewing.

Man Weekend.

Since the day we moved in, we've been hearing about "Man Weekend." Man Weekend is here, my friends. Imagine about thirty 50-something men drunk and let lose without their wives in sight. A few minutes ago I needed to go outside to my car to get my glasses, and I peaked around the corner and about 8 of them were bouncing on the back of my landlord's truck. Now, they're sawing something. Before that they were nailing on the deck for about an hour. Oh, wait...now they're nailing again.

I could escape to Tim's house since he's out of town...but that would require me walking to my car, and who knows what that would subject me to. And I'm a woman that can handle men. But thirty of them, drunk, and my dad's age? I'm not so sure. California is an interesting place...

And you know what? Despite Testosterone Weekend, today on my way home was the first time since I've been here that I've genuinely felt ecstatic to be here. In love with California. I've had my moments of happiness, especially with Tim...but this I haven't felt. And he's even out of town.

So who's coming here next? If you come soon, there may still be something left to drill.

Times, They Are a Changin...Again.

Well, guys, things are changing in my life. The days of living with my roommate and her doggie are coming to an end. I'm a bit sad about that, but I'm more excited about what is to come...I will be moving in, for the first time ever, with my boyfriend. Yep, that's right. And you know what, I'm strangely not even nervous about it. It just feels like the natural course of things...and that, really, it just seems like the obvious choice. Why wouldn't I want to live with my best friend who just so happens to also be my love? And not only do I get to live with Tim, but we get to live on land that is a little bit of heaven. In exchange for rent, we get to take care of the gardens (he is already the caretaker). And, the best part? We can build a fence and Took can stay outside during the day. Seriously. I'm very excited. I know it's only been 6 months since we've been together, but he's it. He's amazing, thoughtful, fun, sweet, and wonderfully handy (Yes, I'm actually just using him for his carpentry skills and eye for beautiful landscaping). He's the person I had a feeling I'd meet out here, and he's the person I want to share a closet with. Only catch is we'll have an outside shower and toilet for a little while. Um, a compostable toilet, guys. Now, I know I've had my days of hippiness, but I have to say, I'm not psyched about this. But I'll suck it up. And more importantly, share my woes with you guys. Lucky you! You have stinky sewer stories ahead of you!

Now the pesky mission of finding a place to stay until then...

It feels good to be back, guys. I'll try to keep my end of the bargain, if you keep yours and stick around a little longer, mm-kay?

Finally.

damn him for the inspiration for me to write again. never mind the amazing people i’ve met (and one in particular), the vineyards, my new job, the ocean, the land, causing me to go to my computer....he was right that it’s in the midst of anger and sadness, we produce our greatest work or find our deepest inspiration. i’ve found myself in a dark place the last couple of days, a place that i find myself heading here and there, but fortunately pull myself out at the last minute somehow. but i haven’t been as successful the last couple of days. and when i’m in this place, every bone in my body is telling me to leave. that you’ve tried it. that the pain you feel when you think about your nephew, or any of your family, or even that street you got so tired of, but now would give anything to be on...is enough to pack your bags and go home.

it’s a good thing we don’t usually listen to bones.

this time, if i were to go home, the hope that has been there for 4 years now, has now vanished with a single email. contact that i once thought would be there for the rest of my life, will no longer be. a love of my life has ended with five little words of well wishing, well wishing laced with anger and sprinkled with betrayal. this week i found out that i had been lied to for a year and a half. robbed of a year and a half of time that i could’ve spent moving on. getting to a place where it would’ve been easy to leave....a place that i wouldn’t have felt a bungee cord of hope holding me to rhode island as i move 3,000 miles away to california. i needed that one last thing to tell me that i was an idiot for believing in a someday. words were not enough for me, but this? this would’ve been enough for me. i would’ve gotten the picture. i would’ve finally hit it into my skull that he wasn’t going to leave. but no, for a reason that he feels was selfless, he kept it from me so not to add to my pain and stress at the time....that during the entire year and a half, he felt it was never the right time to tell me he was planning and creating A FUCKING FAMILY.

i don’t believe i have ever felt this way before now. thankfully, until now, i have never been lied to to this extent, nor had to defend why i feel it is a lie (to me, omission on this level, is a lie). sure people have lied to me, and i to them, but not to the point where my heart was on the line for so long, and by someone that i was painfully in love with for way too long. a love that wouldn’t allow me to love any one else. as angry as i am, i know that i’m relieved. that i’m finally free of the burden of loving someone that will never be able to love me back completely. it’s a weight that i’ve carried for far too long. a weight that i didn’t deserve to carry, that no amount of talking myself out of, would let disappear. even as i write these words, i’m feeling lighter by the letter. maybe this was the ending i needed. he’s been here from the beginning, been the feelings either directly or indirectly behind the majority of my posts on this blog. so maybe this is the last step that i needed to take to make it real.

i didn’t need this to tell me i made the right decision, to know that i’m where i’m supposed to be. but it sure does help.